Again We Are Here

The World-Odd Place To Hang Out

2006-02-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

So I was at a bar last night
(surprise)

and I noticed that right out in the open this bar had a Crock Pot (aka slow cooker)

I am not sure if this is really odd or if I have been just been sheltered, I mean I have an idea of what is kept in a bar kitchen, but that is behind closed doors, this Crock Pot had come out of the kitchen and was just sitting there.

Right behind where the Karokoke was set up.

and I noticed it while I was singing...

Sweet Child O' Mine

I was overwhelmed

AND I had a 32 measure break in the song

AND I was (shocker) intoxicated.

I shared my feelings on the Crock Pot.

With the bar.

And realized if I could always have a microphone, I would be happy,

Here's to you, Ahhh Haaaa Haaa Sweet Crock Pot Of Miiiiinnnnneee Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh Sweet Love Of Mine.......

I really should quit drinking

What I Would Of Done

2006-02-20T23:41:00.000-08:00

So the flowers were an amazing surprise, as was the massage gift certificate and godiva (orgasm) chocolates that he had sent to my house

BUT

shortly thereafter I decide to be a drama queen...

AND I QUOTE (sort-of)

"the flowers and all were nice, but all I really want is to see you again....."

and me again....

"listen this isn't going to work, when are we even going to see each other again and how do you expect me to believe that you are serious about moving out here and who is to even say that it would even work if you moved out here, because I struggle with commitment that is why we are just friends right now and you are going to change your life and move here and what if you realize that I am insane and you don't want to be around me because I complain a lot and I will ask you to do stuff for me then get mad if you do it or if you don't and you will feel like you can't win and-----at this point I am quite impressed that he hasn't hung up or fallen asleep or called a mobile psych unit, so I take a deep breath and

-----then we just end up fighting and you end up hating me but you don't feel like you can leave and then I will be unhappy and I will cheat on you and you will call me an evil slut and we will stop having all that amazing sex and the you will leave and I will be heartbroken

AND HE SAYS....

You really miss me don't you?

I whisper/whimper

Yeah.

He tells me sweet dreams and he will talk to me in the morning.

Then I check my email.

.........Ticket Information
Passenger(s): JOSEPH B****
Delta Air Lines record locator: D0Q1OQ
Ticket type requested: electronic (e-ticket)
CheapTickets record locator: OE2390U8Airline ticket number(s): 0061551213344
Thursday, March 2, 2006Delta Air Lines # 443......

And that is how I knew it was serious and he was serious.
(Take notes boys that is how it is done)

He did what I would of done-which is what I have really wanted all this time.
and it wasn't the flowers or the chocolate or the massage, it was him that made my heart melt.

(CPW...go ahead shoot twice to make sure Im dead)

Why I Can'T Bitch About Valentines Day This Year

2006-02-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

The card is quite sweet as well...I still think this is an over rated and trite holiday.

Don't hate me.

Sorry I Got Nothing-And Everything

2006-02-08T21:45:00.000-08:00

I tried to fight it.
I ignored it.
Denied it.
Made lists of reasons against it.
Called it stupid, absurd, ridiculous.
Impossible.

He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't shut up. He kept saying all this stuff about taking risks and that he was worth the risk that I was worth the risk for him. All this stuff that I had said before, but it sounded so different coming out of someone else's mouth.

He didn't care about my denial, reasons, or how stupid, absurd, or ridiculous I thought it was, he wasn't going to give up.

So I caved.
I told the truth.

I am madly in love with Joe.

How is this going to work?
I have no idea.

What in the hell am I doing?
I have no idea.

When was the last time I was this happy?
I have no idea.

How did this happen?
In his words...
So I'll go out tonight, I'll go to the bar again
Drink some company
Friends of friends pour in
there's one girl that catches my eye
but i dismiss and sip
Pitcher of beer that needs to be consumed
Jump at the challenge
Vonnegut?
No shit
Conversations ensues
Interest sparked
She's beautiful and smart
Dangerous
Fast forward
Highly intoxicated, departure eminent
What's this on the napkin?
Contact information
Thanks
thank you napkin

Fast Forward

Phone calls and emails
No escape from infatuation
this girl's has it
whatever IT may be
there is definitely a surplus
Every night we talk, everyday my in box is blessed

Fast forward

Flight to Atlanta and then Greenville
so excited
what a weekend
what a woman
recollection fails me as to the last time I've felt this happy
Long walk down the stairs
to the inevitable goodbye
curse the rent a car for not breaking down
and I watched her go

Fast Forward

Can't stand to be apart
my heads full of you all day
my nights answer to my phone
It's only a matter of time,
and it's only time

thank you for being who you are
thank you for everything up to this point
thank you
______________________

He has no idea that I am the one feeling thankful...

Dear Alcohol-

2006-02-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As myfriend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-workcocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midstof endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering aboutyou r intentions. While I want to believe that you have my bestinterests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwiseconsequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance ornecessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want tohear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggestthat I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball andsome stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Katafter a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need todo more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It'! s comple tely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyondme. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening'sdebauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility iscompletely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interferewith my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would liketo ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review mygrievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,Your biggest fan

Brandy

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

The E-Mail That Is The Result Of What Happened Between Eggrolls

2006-01-31T21:30:00.000-08:00

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 03:35:42 -0800 (PST)
From: "joe " the_astro_zombie_massacre@yahoo.com
Subject: a confusing conundrum, a magnificent mess
To:"Brandy" drunkdialinginbrandyland@yahoo.com

a confusing conundrum, a magnificent mess
with nobody to blame but the players themselves
no script, impromptu performance
marionettes dance
tug and pull
tension and slack
the heart and brain swap control of the reigns
dance
the audience as unaware
as unsure
as the actors

the dance continues

beautiful choreography
heavenly music
the rhythm perfected
the melody divine
still lost somewhere in the maelstrom
it faintly calls through the chaos
amidst "what are we doing?" winds and "how did we get here" hail
the siren's song calls
enticing and beautiful
promising
is it possible, just this once, they do not beckon towards resentful rocks?

a young boy wonders
debates
contemplates

and she breaks

"i love you but i don't want to do this to you"
is it selfish to want you in my life?
a young boy wonders
debates
contemplates

maybe we need to take a break

doubtful that he can
a young boy
confused and unsure
"i can't cut you out of my life"
feelings run deep
so in fact
the blood pressure increases

love
profound and new
longing
painful and true
Death and taxes joined by two new certanties
everything else
is still just a gamble
a chance
a risk
a confusing conundrum, a magnificent mess
___________________________________________________________________

*Sigh* And he drew my portrait...he listens, we laugh, we connected on so many levels-a true testiment of God's sick and twisted humor.
But I have to walk away and I hope he understands.
I am not moving there, he has no plans to move here-the other side of the country is just too far.

It was an amazing weekend, but to try and have him in my life now, now that I know what I am missing-that is torture and I can't do it. Although, I too am not sure how I am going to be able to stop and walk away.

2006-01-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

Saying Nothing If There Is Too Much Too Say

2006-01-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

Or Saying too much when there is nothing to say.

I've found myself to be quite fake lately and I suppose since this is my outlet o' honesty I have been too scared of myself to hang around.

I thought I was in love for a second and then realized I was more excited about hearing someone say those words to me than committed to the actions that are required to make those words more than a random combination of letters arranged in a famous formation.

It was nice to hear, I had forgotten what it sounded like coming out of someone else's mouth and into my ears, dizzy in my brain, surging in my bloodstream, forced into my heart, then crashing into my stomach.

Where the memories of those random letter combinations of the past nauseated me, the memories of how I had said and not meant, and meant and not said, and heard and not believed, and heard and believed, and I didn't want it anymore.

Michael never really wanted to marry me, or I should say that thought wasn't in his head. I put it there. I told him I wanted to marry him, I wanted to be his wife, I wanted to spend my life making him as happy as he made me, I told him this often.

Then one day he believed me, he believed in me, he wanted it too.

So it was asked, one random Tuesday, in our first apartment together, I was in the hallway, he had sent me to get something out of the bathroom and when I returned he was on one knee giving me what I wanted.

I said yes.

The next day I gave the ring back to him, in the hallway. Had I really just wanted to want something and to prove that I could get what I wanted? Is the truth that I didn't want to be his wife or to spend my life making him happy, it wasn't about wanting a ring, or a white dress, or till death do us part, it was about control? Was I just scared?

He took the ring back and said that it would always be there if I wanted it.

The next day I knew I was about to lose him. I had to take the ring back.

So again, on one knee, he gave me the ring and told me I could never give it back to him again.

And I didn't.

In the end he took it and so much more back without me even knowing.

Words and rings aren't the same, but nevertheless, I purged myself, not of the memories, but of the possibility of his love. I threw it all back at him as if my goal was to make him understand why I couldn't accepted it by attempting to grant him the hurt I had felt.

While I am not proud, I fared well in my attempt, one could even say it was a success.

So perhaps it was my goal. The version of me that I want to be knew what I was going to do and wanted to walk away. The version of me that I dislike seems to always win.

Perhaps words and rings can be the same thing and history repeats itself is because people can never really change.

I feel as if we are all just playing elaborate games of chess with each other.

Hysterica

2006-01-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/?v=oS0NsWOGN8w

Scared Of Butterflies-They Sting

2006-01-15T22:17:00.000-08:00

Beautiful, Silly, little flutter, gentle heat in the cheeks, smile that starts on the inside and radiates forward, when words, spoken and written, inspire forgotten happiness.

Yes, with all of this I get scared.

Petrified and I can't move forward. It isn't just because of the last time, but because of every time before. I don't trust myself among their intoxication, the way they mesmerize me into being foolhearted.

Longing and wanting I have to get out of the field and a way from these butterflies.

I HAVE DATED EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

2006-01-11T20:21:00.000-08:00

Either that or I am insane (for more reasons that previously thought) and I just keep dating the same people with different faces.

Currently-

The Playboy-aka My mistake west-coast style
Basic Stats
Have known for: Approx.. 2 weeks
How we met: I was buzzin at a bar on a date with The Planner* Playboy and I were kind of flirty, the Planner and I got ready to leave, he asked me to come back to the bar,Planner and I left, he took me home, I went back to the bar, we hung out for awhile, then we made out. I decided not to give him my number, he insisted I take his myspace page address.
Most common form of communication: Myspace emails that are full of "lol"esque cyberspeak and misspelled words.
What we do when we spend time together: Make out, minimal talking.

My God is this kid attractive. He has eyes that look at me and send tingles through my body, no he couldn't spell tingles or count the number of letters in tingles, add 5 and tell me the total without a calculator, but he his so so hot. In addition, he has had some, well, legal troubles, he has a revolving door of girls who buy him dinner and well is so so fucking hot. Now I could never seriously date this guy, because he is well, too good looking, not smart enough, doesn't make near enough money, (not that I am shallow but damn it I make my money you should make yours- I am tired of these playstation babies without real jobs and real goals in life) but my God, until I am in a serious relationship I am more than willing to schedule a biweekly make out session where I buy my own drinks with him.

The Planner-aka Shane Hyde Boyfriend before the Mistake-college boyfriend mistake
Basic Stats
Have known for: Approx. 1 month
How we met: I was drunk, wine drunk, at a bar, we started talking, the we started making out, I gave him all but the last number of my phone number, told him if he wanted to call me he would figure out the last number, he asked CPW and Dr. Dre what it was, they told him.
Most Common Form Of Communication: Quick under 3 minute phone calls (because God forbid you might go over those free night and weekend minutes) in which he asks me out, I say yes, he says what do you want to do, I either suggest something or say you decide, then he decides, asks me what time he should pick me up, then we say see you then, bye.
What we do when we spend time together: go to the movies (he is a huge movie fan, I think because his life is boring and they are an escape), go out to dinner, go bowling, we tell each other about our day in matter o' fact language.

This guy owns stock, is never late picking me up, takes me on real dates where I don't have to pay, makes an effort to get to know my friends, once planned meals for a week with xgfriend, took said list to grocery store, bought items from list, decided who was going to cook which person was going to cook which meal on which day AND ACTUALLY DID IT. This guy also thinks about things days ahead of time, wears ugly shoes, likes to hold hands, and has most likely only "made love" and never just fucked. He is going to get irritated at the fact I get flirty when I am drunk, he will never make shadow puppets with me, he is a attracted to me because I am crazy but this will be the thing he will want to change after we are serious. Which he kind of already thinks we are because we have been "dating for all most a month" and when someone asks if I am his gfriend he says "I am working on it". (Fun side note-I met him the week before I flew home, hung out with him the night before I went home in a group setting, and we went on our first "date" the night before new years) All my friends think he is a nice guy, really sweet, a really nice guy...

Warning-Please keep the comments about me in regards to the poet as nice as possible, also, if you can, please refrain from calling me a dumbass, as I already know I am. This should also speak volumes as to how highly I value the opinion of strangers as I have not posted about him yet (except once, which only one person read before I made it all cyptic)

The Poet-The Cellist and every other head over heels mistake I have ever made.
Have Known For: Approx. 1 month
How we meet: He is a coworker of a friend of mine, I met him in a bar while waiting on someone else to show up, we did not make out, just chatted and continued to do so after the someone else showed up and ignored me, I then ignored The Poet once the someone decided to pay attention to me. Poet asked for my email to email me the name of a book that we had been talking about because I wasn't going to remember it
Most Common Form of Communication: Hysterical and witty emails daily, sweet text messages that make me smile, and almost nightly phone calls that last hours and hours on end.
What we do when we spend time together: Laugh, debate Vonnegut's work, read and critique stuff each other has written, talk about music and our pasts, call each other while we are in the shower, generally act goofy.

This guy is everything I should of had with The Cellist, he asks me about my day, emails me about the fortune cookie he got the night before, calls to complain if one of his friends is being a dick, listens to me bitch about traffic and other things out of my control, he is cute in an Emo kind of way, he lives in south carolina, listens to silly punkrock like me, thinks I am amazing, smart, and beautiful and tells me so. He is intelligent and creative, he is an insane artist and writes some of the most clever stories I have ever read, he inspires me to write more, to finish things, he is honest with tact. He catches on to little things I say and we make each other smile. He is the text message boy, the one that said My brandy.

Yeah. You read that line in the middle right.
I know. I know. 2.2 million people in San Diego, right?

Is it odd that all three of these people make me happy, just in different ways?

Chronicles of Branshine-The Playboy, The Planner and The Poet

2006-01-11T12:04:00.000-08:00

The Playboy?

The Planner?

The Poet?

More on each later...Right now I have to express how much I HATE myspace.com but I can't help it...It makes me feel like I am in highschool again...wildly unpopular-yet I keep going and I am not even mandated by law...

Oh No...

2006-01-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

From the text message boy, last night-via email

...Hope is a dangerous bedfellow...I'm hoping you call me back tonight, it's hard to imagine falling asleep without my Brandy fix...evil, evil, intoxicating girl.....

My Brandy? It has been a while since I have been someone's Brandy. I wanted to be someone's Brandy, right? So why is that making me kind of sick to my stomach? A little itchy on the inside? Maybe he didn't mean it like his Brandy-maybe it is just a display of his exceptional grasp on the English lankiness-I mean he did use the word bedfellow. But could it not of been A Brandy fix-but it wasn't...It was my, like his, like together.

Breathe. Breathe. I was reading too much into this.

I am good now, but I haven't called him back yet.

Who The Hell Is From Poway?

2006-01-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

Blame stupid site meter-but someone checks this almost daily and is from Poway, CA. Who are you? I have only met 1 person from Poway and that was the fat ugly shallow loser guy...I certainly hope he isn't reading this. He doesn't deserve to breath the same air has me, never the less get to expereince all the fun that is Brandyland. So please, for my sanity, identify your self Poway Phantom.

In addition, if you are blogging from Austin, I would like to request identification-just a heads up in the comment-something like-Hey site meter psycho-This is So-N-So from Austin, not the cellist. Peace.

*sigh*

From last night-that still has me smiling today...

Text Message Inbox

Want To Hear Your Voice...Call Me

*sigh*

Maybe more on that later, maybe.

The Agreement

2006-01-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2006, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
18. No gifts every time you come over= no fucking. Carry your ass home.
19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Participating Party Signature___________________________ Date:________________

A Year Ago Today-Revisited

2006-01-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

So I copied and pasted the first postEVER-from a year ago-from the site that got me fired-and then decided to see how much difference a year really makes. New Comments in bold.

Monday, January 03, 2005

The Language and Inhabitants of Brandyland
The Vocabulary
Drinking & Dialing: The act of getting intoxicated and using a telephone, mainly cellular. Number One cause of Post Drinking Suicide contemplation
STILL TRUE-although now I drunk audioblog....

Brandyland: ideal world; most of my time is spent in Brandyland. Much different from the "real world" Friends all say that they know a Dr. that can prescribe medicine to help me with inability to differentiate between Brandyland and the "real world"~ I am not interested.
STILL TRUE-I am spending less time there but not to enough to make a difference
Freezer Club: Preventive measure started due to the similarities in continuous drinking and dialing and telestalking. Method includes: Write number on piece of paper; delete number from cell phone, tape piece of paper in freezer.
NO LONGER APPLIES-I Reprogrammed his number-fuck it-if I want to call I am going to call

The Mistake: Term for my 11-month marriage. Reason for my quarter life crisis and the fact I have been single for almost as long as my marriage.
NO LONGER APPLIES- I have now been single almost TWICE as long as I was married-he is in a happy, committed, relationship-FUCK HIM-I mean good for him

Trivia: Monday nights...10 rounds, 6 question each round, bizarre stuff. 4 People per team...we are always in search of a 4th. Lots of free drinks involved, this is taken very seriously.
NO LONGER APPLIES-Has been replaced by Hip Hop Dance Class-Sober-and Alone

Scary-oake: Karaoke anywhere in the town we live in.
SOMEWHAT APPLIES-Karaoke is scary in Anderson, SC or San Diego, CA

The Inhabitants (In no particular order..CPW)

The Cellist: Arthur Dent in person. Founding member of the Freezer Club. Proved theory that even classical musicians are just as bad as other musicians. Lives in Texas where is corrupts the minds of young people...I am his hometown after hours "friend" who is suppose to "take care"
STILL TRUE-He isn't teaching this year. Gave myself a new nickname -zip code girlfriend-instead of hometown afterhours "friend" because he treats me like his girlfriend when we are in the same zip code. I guess I am still suppose to take care. The love of my life, I am now ready to settle for the almost love of my life or maybe be open to another love of my life...

How fucking lame-the same thing that happened last year, happened this year. He broke my fucking heart and made me cry...

Ducky: Ford Perfect in person. Best friend to the Cellist. Firm believer that I should spend less time in Brandyland. Believes in something called the "THE" (pronounced "Tha") which is some magical power I have yet to be sober enough to understand. Is going to frame The Cellist one day for his own death. Named for the character in Pretty in Pink because he once wore a really stupid hat. Thinks that The Cellist and I are meant to be, I just have to be patient. He is an idiot.

He is still a fucking idiot, He still thinks The Cellist and I are going to end up together one day. Maybe he is God.

TyBaby: If Brandyland was medieval he would be a knight, but it is not. Friends with Ducky and The Cellist, thinks I am an idiot for having anything to do with The Cellist, he is correct. Charter member of the trivia team.

Still thinks I am idiot for having anything to do with The Cellist-Thinks The Cellist is a bigger idiot for not having anything to do with me. Turned into one of my best friends and I love him with all my heart.

Right Winged Angel (RWA): Stays perked on my shoulder...calls a spade a spade and is the only friend that I let make me cry. Thinks I am the worlds biggest fool for having anything to do with The Cellist. She is correct, and loves to tell me I told you so or variations on this when The Cellist makes me cry. Charter member of the trivia team. Likes to give relationship advice, is also going through a mistake.

Still thinks I am fool for having anything to do with The Cellist-Still tells me I told you so when he makes me cry. One of the truest friends a person could have

Coolest Person in the World (aka CPW): Younger Twin sister...proof that sometimes the sequel is better than the original. Thinks I am an idiot for having anything to do with The Cellist...she is correct. She also thinks that I will only get to live once and if I want to spend my time as an idiot that is ok. Opposite of RWA, tells me what I want to hear and that I am the coolest person in the world. (Which I am in Brandyland)

Still the coolest person in the world and now my roommate. She rescued me this year. Thinks that the cellist is an idiot and I am a passionate fool. My best friend ever, and the person in my life that is most deserving of happiness and love.

There is more, but we will get to that in time. Most importantly, of course is me, most of my friends call me B (because they get too drunk to say my entire name).
They still call me B-and I have a lot more people now-because now I have my bloggumity of friends, who with their advice and encouragement, friendships and stories have been invaluable to me this year.

That Girl and Martini-You both have been with me since practically the beginning. I have enjoyed the peek instead of your lives, you both are strong beautiful women and I have learned so much from you both. You listened to my whining and drama about The Cellist and are true friends-even though we have never met. I am lucky to know you. May you both find happiness and love this year, you deserve it for all that you have given me.

Blue 944- You are a genius. You give the best advice you have to offer with tact-even if it isn't what the person wants to hear, it always seems to be what they need hear. You are clever and genuine and one of the best new things in my life since last year. The great things in life will continue to graviate to you as they have no choice.

The Duke-Fuck you for being so smart and right. I don't have to wish you anything, if you want it, you will go an get it and I admire that about you. I hope that I am able to continue to learn things from you.

Mel-while you haven't to suffer as much as the others, thanks for everything and don't worry, you will get to suffer too.

There are so so many more-I thought about quitting my blog after I went to SC and came home and I couldn't-no easier than I can turn my back and hide from my real world friends. You all mean so much to me.

My vices include smoking too much STILL TRUE, talking too muchSTILL TRUE, drinking too muchSTILL TRUE, shopping too muchSTILL TRUE, Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers STILL TRUE, making out STILL TRUE and The Cellist YEAH STILL TRUE.
I hate my hair STILL TRIE and I think I am too short other than that I am just about perfect by Brandyland standards STILL TRUE.
I fall in love about every 13.5 days with someone else STILL TRUE-with the exception of The Cellist who I stay in love with although I shouldn't. STILL TRUE
I work in upscale property management NO LONGER APPLIES-THE FUCKERS FIRED ME FOR THIS DAMNED BLOG AND IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. I have my blog to thank for getting me fired and making me make a decision that I never would of made for myself. I like my life now, for the most part. I am thankful for starting this-I have no regrets. and while my job isn't what I would call intellectually stimulating, I like it and I have fun. Ok People.. Rock On.. I am going to play trivia. I have a "date" meeting me there...always looking for that forth! I like my new job-it keeps me on my toes-I still want you to rock on-and still looking for that "forth"

When I started this tonight, I was all ready to bitch and complain about how nothing has changed, and now thinking so much has...hindsight isn't always 20/20. Somethings will never change, so will never stay the same, and some will change when the timing is right-and timing isn't confined to calendar year.

Thanks for spending a year in Brandyland.

What I Have Been Doing

2006-01-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

This.

Most recent is what I have complete and am some what satisfied with, in the proper order (for now) to date.

Individual sections follow.

Oh yeah and The Cellist broke my heart, again, but I suppose we all knew that was coming. Except for me, the dumbass, who let it happen again.

I say I am done but a piece of me will always belong to him.

Life Is A Series

2005-12-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

Of Hellos and Goodbyes.

It is time for me to say goodbye to a few things.

2005-12-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

2005-12-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

It Is About Damn Time...

2005-12-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

Whohhh I am going home!

In less than a day I will be on a plane!

On my way home!

To see my mama!

And My friends!

And-

Fuck.

going to do a few more crunches now and fuck with my new practically blonde hair that I am starting to regret.

Isn't is so sad how quickly my songs can be interrupted by my insecurities?

That Just Doesnt Work For Me...

2005-12-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

I hate to have to get mad...but when I call in a service request to my apartment complex 2 days ago, come home tonight and the issue (which is of a, um, sensitive, nature) still isn't corrected, I have to get mad. Not just mad, but irate, and not just irate, but ifuckingrate

and so the message starts off calm...for the first .00001 seconds...

This fucking just fucking doesnt fucking work for fucking me. Somefuckingone better fucking have thier fucking ass fucking here before I fucking end this fucking message to fucking correct this fucking issue or else I will fucking burn this fucking apartment the fuck down. I fucking apologize if I fucking gave you the im-fucking-pression that I was some fucking one that you could fucking fuck with, but please stand the fuck corrected....

I went on in this most lady like manner until the machine cut me off.

Then I called back.

Repeat.

Repeat.

um, and I am just a bit embarrassed to say, repeat again.

(for those keeping count that is a total of 4 calls)

I am not pretty when I am mad, not pretty but effective

Way To Go HM1 Dorsey!

2005-12-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

CPW-

I am so proud you! You are the coolest first class ever!

I believe In Signs, Reality Checks

2005-12-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

Table Of Contents/Summary/Time Line*
1. There was a question
2. There was counting crows and drinking
3. There was a visit to the University of Texas web site to make me feel psycho
4. There was reading jyny's blog
5. Now I am writing this

* This will come in handy-feel free to refer back to as needed

Someone asked me a question via email which forced me to write down thoughts that made sense in my head but not so much when I read them aloud, and the 2nd was this post-a post written a month ago, but I was blog surfing so a comment she wrote on martinis page linked to her site, read her most recent post which was the post after the other post

Moving closer to the point, but not rapidly.

First The Question:

I am not a big fan of questions that are prefaced with phases like "Point blank" if someone were to ask me in person if they could ask me something "point blank" I would most likely say no, because if you have to ask it "point blank" I most likely don't want to answer. However, since this was via email, I didn't have that opportunity and while I should of just ignored the question or-resort to my normal coping method when this person asks me about anything I don't want to answer-I should of fired of a humorous and witty comment and left it at that. This person is pretty bright (sometimes) so I think he would of caught on to the fact I was dodging the question

The question-point blank-as close as I can remember to being word-for-word.

Why, if The Cellist doesn't make an effort-some effort-any effort- to be with me, do I still pine for him?

Simple enough on the surface...And this person got this wonderful response that was all true, but then

I was listening to the Counting Crows last night.

Drunk. And this was all I could hear
We got little revolvers and stupid choices
And no one to say when we're done
(well I don't wanna bring you down)
I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
`cause I know there's little things about me
That would sing in the silence of so much rejection
In every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....

and I had this rush of clarity that I would of wrote down if I could of found a pen.
And I almost called the person who asked the question to give them a revised answer...But it was late

and I was drunk

so I have been thinking about this clarity all day...

Tonight I am playing on the internet and decide to check the calendar at the UT's school of performing arts website, to just see what concerts are going on because I am complete fucking psycho and I see that someone has a very important concert-his doctoral concert-a big fucking deal

and I started to really believe the clarity

then I decided to blog about the clarity, but not before I check in with blog world-which led me to jyny's page which bring me back here

and now it isn't just clarity it is reality and I feel foolish that I am just now realizing it

I am not part of his life-I don't exist to him-out of sight out of mind I might as well be sitting here lusting over and claiming to be in love with someone famous like John Cusack because in reality-I know more about John's life that I do about what is going on in The Cellist life at any given moment

I want to be the light-I wanted it so bad I didn't realize how little of a chance I have

I want to wish him good luck but not because I am a psycho and was stumbled upon the fact that he has this big fucking deal concert.

I want to wish him luck because he called me and told me about it and about how he was excited, or scared, or thought he was going to fuck up, and I want him sit the phone down and play it for me because he wants to know how I think it sounds even though I know nothing about advanced musical topics, and I want it to be so good it makes me cry and I want my good luck text message to make him smile, and I want to surprise him by being at the concert and have him say "I was so nervous, then I looked up and saw you and I knew I was going to do great" Then I want to go back to his place and make him be the student and I'll be the cello teacher and we end up in a fit of giggles because I am so bad at role playing and trying to be sexy, but that is ok because he thinks my lack of ability to act sexy is sexy, and as were falling asleep he is humming some complex piece of music and I want the last thing he hears before he falls asleep is me laughing at the fact he hums off key and telling him he is priceless

notice a trend...I want this

he doesn't.

not from me at least.

How do I know this? because he knows he could have it and he doesnt.

and now it really isnt complicated

So why do I pine away?

For the hope that the timing is going to be right one day and he will want me for that-wait and hope that one day he will stop with the excuses of a broken heart and being unable to trust?

and I suppose that is a good enough reason except

Here is the thing I should of realized a long time ago-and sadly this is advice I have given to other people recently.

If he felt like I felt like-taking the chance would be easy.

If he really believed that he could be happy with me it would be worth the risk of possible heartbreak.

He doesn't-To Him It isn't-

Point Blank-
The Truth Hurts.
I just hope it hurts enough to diminish that feeling I get when he walks into a room

Never Been One To Say

2005-11-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

I can't do this again.

I was running tonight and thought about it.

I need someone to stop me.

to stop the "What If" ferris wheel inside my head-because the odds of the crickety bucket seat stopping on the one positive "What If" aren't good enough for me to bet my heart again.

But I want to-like an addict-

2 weeks-I have 2 weeks to go back and forth-is the chance of this time being different worth it?

Who fucking knows?

I am starting to think I only do this because I have to much thinking power in my brain and not enough real shit to think about...

Quick someone give me a hard math problem or something

On Another Note-

Felicity An American Girl Adventure came on tonight instead of the Gilmore Girls-I cried like a little bitch, but don't tell CPW because she already makes fun of how sensitive I am....

And Yet Another Note-

Remember back when I first starting blogging-before I really opened up, and I would just comment on news stories then link to them-don't you miss that sometimes when I go on and on about my dismal love life-sure you do-so when I logged in to good ole yahoo tonight and saw some of the these news stories I was once again inspired

Bush: Early Iraq exit would be a mistake•
Yeah-when has making a mistake ever bothered you Bushy?

Army aims to coax back former troops•
I actually have a list of a few that I would like to suggest and couple of Marines I have slept with-I just saying is all (yeah I know I am going to hell-I don't wish harm on them or anything)

France upholds law that smooths history•
I didnt read this story and I can't think of anything dirty to make out of the headline, I am not really sure why I put it here-oh well

Highest U.S. wages in East, lowest in South•
Yeah as if I needed a reason to NEVER move back to the shit hole town in the south-you dont even want to know what a lady of my talents got paid in the south

Jerry Garcia's appliances to be auctioned•
All I want for Christmas is a toaster oven...man

Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks
Glad I am the type of girl that likes a little length to my needles

Gregory Peck's Hollywood Star Is Stolen
He lived in La Jolla-which is like the unghetto of San Diego, where the seals are, I love the damn seals arhh arhh arhh

So Why Am I Single?

2005-11-25T22:27:00.000-08:00

IT DOES EXISIT

2005-11-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

I am the only person in the world that has to work today, aside from Dr's, Nurses, Police Officers, Retail Clerks, Mail people, bankers, drive thru workers, fireman, ok well maybe not the only person but I am the only person working today with nothing to do.

Which is how I landed on this.

I am off to try and count to 2 million or something.

HAPPY COOKING BIRD DAY!

2005-11-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

On another note-

Please don't laugh, but I cried this morning when I was watching the Today Show and found out Nick and Jessica decided to split.

Broke my heart.

CPW is now making fun of me-she says I cry too much-I am just sensitive and well crazy.

Hey Nick and Jessica, I don't know you, not so much into you guys music, but you guys are in my thoughts and prayer, peace babies.

Why You Don't Blog Drunk

2005-11-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

What in the world?

Doesn't my site look great?

Wonder where my haloscan comments are?

What is everything on one side?

No more drinking and blogging.

UPDATE

Thanks Blue. I am sorry I am a loser.

And Then Truth Was Known By All

2005-11-22T00:51:00.000-08:00

How would you react...

When all of a sudden someone confonted you with your biggest insecurity?

Smile?

Laugh?

Agree?

Really?

Hide.

This is actually to someone.
I think you are scared
In my mind-which more is more wrong than right-
I want to think you are worried about what I would think of YOU
if her beauty was more important.

Than what I am

(so you should maybe, you think, stay and hide)

Than what I am.

I think you read me, our witty back and forth, and you see THAT ME as every thing you want

and then you see me

and you think of your friends, and then of me

oh no, sorry-

not the read me, but the see me-
and you cant admit

me

and like

and then you say, well only if she looked like...

not me

and you were scared-

scared sick

because of a shallowness you want to hide

and admit to

but only under
the guise of a so called pernickety nature

get sick and under the blanket

as I pretend that all of this understanding doesnt make me like you more

and sure you would date her, once.

The Hot Stove, The Hand & The Lesson Never Learned

2005-11-20T22:01:00.000-08:00

Just testing out titles for when I go to SC in a little over 20 days, fall in love with the cellist all over again, expect things to be different, come back here and it all be the same again.

I mean, really, I have to starting getting a bit more creative since there are about 47 "He Broke My Heart Again" posts between this site and the old site that got me fired.

or wait, here is an idea-I don't let it happen again.

...actually I have done that post before too.

I know I am going to get hurt, again, again (actually that should be 3 agains but I thought that would be a little extreme) so why?

Love?
maybe...
Mental Illness?
for sure...

Hey Brandy-HE IS NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU EVER, BUT GO FOR IT, AGAIN (AGAIN), just know in your heart, above all things, you are a dumb ass.

The Walk Of Shame Sucks More If It Is Up Hill

2005-11-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

Enough Said.

Dear Dad,

2005-11-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot that 2 years ago today we lost the chance to forgive each other, the chance to say we were sorry. It is with great guilt I say that it does get easier, I don't think of you every day, I don't miss you every day, but the days I do, I miss you to the very core of my soul. Even more so, I miss what we lost, what we didn't have and all the things that we will never be able to have.
I look at CPW and I see so much of you in her. The way she methodical in the things she does, she is scheduled and determined. You both shared the same commitment to your country, the same need for order and function. Her fascination with the human body and medicine and science, those are all traits she got from you and you would be so proud of her and all that she is accomplishing. And Little Bit, she is a grown up, a real true grown up. She is beautiful and funny and would remind you every day of why you fell in love with Mom. Her compassion with animals, the way she treats all the creatures of nature, the way she appreciates them as more than just pets, her true love for them-that is a direct reflection of the values you gave her and if you could see her at her office, if you could of seen her graduate, you would really be impressed that she was listening to you all those times when you were going on and on about the respect we should give nature.

And I am haunted by the trait of yours that I have inherited-So stubborn we both were. It haunts me that you had the chance to walk me down the aisle, a chance that CPW and Little Bit will never have, and I was too stubborn to let you because of things you had been stubborn about, things I would not ignore. And you had the chance to dance with me at my wedding, a chance the CPW and Little Bit will never have, and you were too stubborn to ignore me being stubborn and decided not to show up to my reception. Tit for Tat we both battled each other, we did things to disappoint one another, we did things to hurt one another because we....

I don't know why, I never stopped being angry or hurt to find out, we never let our guards down, maybe you felt like this about your Dad, I don't know I never asked, we never talked. We let things snowball and built up a laundry list of reasons why you were a bad father and reasons why I was a bad daughter and I always thought I would have time to grow up and in turn we would grow together again, but we didn't have that time-that is the single most important thing you taught me.

Even without you here, I did grow up and I am mad that I can't tell you that you were right about things, about Michael and marriage. I can't give you the satisfaction of knowing that yes, some of the advice that you gave me was actually good. I can't tell you that I should of listened and I can't go to you and ask how you coped with suddenly being alone, I can't call you when I need someone to tell me what I don't want to hear. With my marriage and with so many other things I got off easy after you died, I didn't have to admit failure to the one person I refused to let see me fail at anything. So many things I achieved I did so because I thought you didn't think I could. Now that burden is gone and at times I just feel like I am drifting.

Dad, the hardest thing about your funeral, was so many of your friends telling me how proud you were of me, because you never told me, and I want to believe them, it would of been so much easier to hear from you. There was so much, that if I would of known, that if you would of known, things could of been so different. Again, the most important lesson I learned from you.

While my apology now and forever will be in vain, it is too late to be granted your forgiveness and in turn I can never grant you yours. I am sorry, I am sorry for the things I said, I am sorry for taking you for granted, I am sorry that one day my son or daughter will never know you because I never knew you. I am sorry that I didn't see you more, I am sorry I blamed that all on you, I am sorry that I didn't understand that I had to make an effort too. I am sorry for the disrespect, I am sorry for not ever trying to understand. I am sorry that I wasn't sorry then and most of all I am sorry that I had to lose you to know how much I loved and needed you. I am sorry, but at the same time thankful for the priceless lesson. You gave me the wisdom of knowing how it feels to wish for one moment to put things right, the true regret of words and actions that I can't take back, a wisdom I extend to every situation I am faced with and every person I know and meet. Dad, it is this way you are always with me, it is this that made us close again.

Your Daughter Always,

Brandy

Ask The Question

2005-11-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

Ever had some questions you wanted to ask but you didn't?

What does this button do?

-what I should of asked when I bought my car-to this day I have no idea, it might be the button that unlocks the secret compartment that holds all the solutions to the worlds most complicated problems, but I didn't ask the question.

Whose is that girl in the picture?

-I could of known he had a girlfriend before I slept with him and got my heartbroken.

How long have you been cutting hair?

-I would of known that I was her first haircut, and might of avoided the strange quasi-mullet hair cut that I got last year.

What are the side effects?

-I could of just had the sniffles instead of, well, lets just say I would of just had the sniffles.

You would think that with all those past experiences I would be able to ask a simple question, right?

So why did I type the question and delete it?

Because I am silly, goofy, girl.

Stupid Office Party On Friday, December 9th.

I WANT TO DATE MY HUSBAND AGAIN...

2005-11-16T03:24:00.000-08:00

But Only For A Week...just to remind me of the reasons why I choose to leave steady sex, having someone to tell about my day, someone to make shadow puppets with, someone who I can wake up in the middle of the night to tell a stupid dream to and not feel crazy.

Because sometime I have trouble remembering that I WANTED TO BE SINGLE...

That is a lie.

I never, ever wanted to be single-I wanted to live happily ever after, with steady sex and shadow puppets, and someone who takes the time to learn the special way I like my mac and cheese cooked, and someone who will make me pizza burritos (side note...the lack of junk food in my life is starting to take its toll, I am going to have to get some JR Bacon Happiness soon) I wanted someone to pat me on the head and say I am so crazy in love with you, you freak, now go back to sleep.

I think being single sucks.

If we were meant to be single we would all be asexual and have poorly developed communication skills.

I wanted to be happy and I would not settle for some happiness, I wanted to BE happy. Actively happy.

Hey look at her...wow she is happy, happy.

I think in this whole taking time to "get to know me" and to "fall in love with me" I have discovered I am tired of thinking about all the things I could, would, should do for someone else in hopes that they will love me they way I want to be loved, I just want someone to do it, damnit. (side note, I think that is the longest I have gone not using profanity in a post in long time) It isn't a game where I need to have better moves and a better uniform, it is pure chance and I struggle with chance because I get too consumed with the odds of it never happening...

So if someone please, could just decide that they want nothing more in this world that to be in love with steady (great, by the way) sex, shadow puppets, mac n cheese cooking lessons, pizza burritos, late night dream recounts, and about a gazillion other things, then I can promise (and I have close to a years worth of posts to prove it) I will spend way too much time thinking of ways to make you happy.

Arranged Marriage might be a bit extreme, but I think and arranged relationship isn't a bad idea...

Any Takers?

Side note: If you haven't already, because I am the last person to make the blog rounds it seems, you HAVE to read the poem that was written for me...well not really for me, it might be for me, I am actually quite sure it wasn't for me, but since I can not prove* that it wasn't for me, I can say that it is about me....now that you read all that mindlessness HERE IS THE POEM
*prove is the key word and I am talking court of law prove, like beyond a shadow of a doubt with a jury of 12 of my peers (and I can pick and pay my peers, Grishman novel style)

by the way "wasn't" is an ugly word, I am going to try and quit using all ugly words, I also think procrastinate is an ugly word, but procreate is not, strange, it isn't so much the meaning of the word-just how it sounds, although (eww that one is kind of ugly too and the word trough is ugly, but the shift F7 "channel", which is prettier would not be useful when I am talking about feeding farm animals, which I use in conversation quite a good deal) I suppose that the meaning could play into my judgement, I mean I am making the rules right? I should compile (that one is only mildly attractive) a list of all the ugly words I can think of...

ugly might be a bit harsh, I should think of a nice way to call them ugly, like they have good personailites but I don't want to write them...I love them but I am not in love with them...

Damn it, now all my comments are going to be about ugly words and not about the love shadow puppet shit or even how honored I should be to of had that poem written for me...maybe I should be lazy and divide this post up into several posts and get comments on everything and then I would have posts for several days all ready made, like a blogger cassarole...umm My mom is coming to visit over Christmas, maybe she will make me a Broc&Cheese cassarole, she makes it with rice and love, and it is my favorite-I tried to make it one time, tasted like ass, I wasnt cooking with love...

CPW broke her nose today. That sucks because earlier I was being funnier than normal and it was making her laugh, which was pissing her off because it made her nose hurt worse, which made me feel bad, because she was in pain, so I would try to cheer up by making her laugh, which was a bad idea because, well laughing hurt and she would get pissed off (not a me and her nose, because her nose broke, because it was weak, she was mad at her weak nose-that was her vicodin logic) I keep waiting on the opportunity to tell her, "well pin a rose on your nose", just to see her kind of flinch in pain at the idea-the fact that my sick sense of humor doesnt go away just because a loved one is injured should be testiment to my consistency.

Did you guess I am having one of my insomnia spells...

I love using the word "spells" like that, I think I am going to start saying, oh don't mind me I am just having one of my drunk spells (which might end up sounding like "drunk spills" which would not be wrong most of the time, 2 birds one slur, that is how I live.)

Magic Socks

2005-11-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

PLEASE NOTE
This Isn't About You.

So as I was laying on a strangers bed around 4AM, sans shirt, sans jeans, sans shoes, and sans sock-in the middle of a rather hot and heavy make out session and I had a rather profound series of thoughts...

"What the fuck am I doing here?"

"I want to go home"

It was on of those situations where I was doing what I wanted to be doing, just having to pretend I was doing it with someone else. This is not a fair thing to do.

In less than 30 seconds I have put back on my shirt, put back on my jeans, and I am searching frantically for my socks.

There was a slight look of terror on this very nice and attractive gentleman's face as I am practically destroying his room to find my socks. For he was not inside my head and had no idea about the aforementioned profound thoughts. He thought we were having a nice time (and we were, but...) and if I had to guess he was having some rather profound thoughts himself as he was trying to have a conversation with an almost hestrical, sockless Brandy

He says: Brandy, I am sorry, did I do something wrong?
He thought: What the fuck?
I say: No, your fine, I just really think it is time for me to go home...
He says: Brandy, was it something I said?
He thought: Who flipped this chick switch from sane to insane?
I say: No, you didnt say anything wrong, I have really had a lovely time, it was my absolute pleasure meeting you, thank you for teaching me how to 2step, but I just really want to find my socks, get Dr. Dre (who was my partner in crime and making out with nice guy's roommate) and go home.
He says: Ok I will find your socks
He thought: What the fuck? Are these magic socks?
I say: You know what, fuck the socks, (as I am walking out of the room) Dr. Dre, you ready babe?
She says: lets go honey
We start for the front door...
He says: But what about your socks?
I say: I have more. (with out turning around)
He says: Well, can I get your number?
I say: No, you have my socks

So Dr. Dre and I are heading back to my place, she looks at me...

Dr. Dre: Brandy-what happened, I thought you guys were getting along?

I look at her

She looks at me

I look at her

She looks at me

I look at her

Dr. Dre: It's him, isn't it? The him?

I look at her

Yeah, it's A Him and The Him-It is always about wanting what you can't have and not wanting what is right in front of you (or in this case above me)

Then I had my final profound thoughts of the evening-

Is it really just the challenge that attracts me?

How bad I am fucking up my pedicure by wearing these stilleto boots with out socks?

FROM NOW ON WHENEVER I AM HOMESICK

2005-11-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I am going to see the robots...

http://www.littlelostrobot.com/index.htm Be sure to check out the My Humps Video-it is the reason for the my smile today...I decided to LOVE this guy today

PEOPLE IN UPSTATE SC ARE THE COOLEST IN THE WORLD...

and I get 90% of his jokes...

And thanks to Melissa at http://melysah.blogspot.com/ for helping me find the happiness.

(I will become unlazy at some point and put these people in the sidebar)

ON ANOTHER NOTE~

I had a crazy dream last night about the cellist and because I am not technically divorced he wouldnt date me (my guilt, I suppose) so I killed my My Mistake-because it I wanted to be a widow instead divorced...

SO this morning, still hung up on my dream I call up a lawyer back in good ole SC to find out what I needed to do get the divorce...ideally I wanted to just have the suit do all the paperwork, file the papers and our court date be in December when I go home to visit-He says not likly and because I would be the filing I would HAVE to appear in court-so no worries I say, I will just fly home again for the court date-then I ask about how much he thinks this is going to cost...Keeping in mind we have no children, no spouse support issues, no mutal property or debt, nothing, we just need a piece of paper with a couple of signatures...so yup he drops this figure on me:

$1500.00 Plus the court fee of $150.00 bringing the total to $1650.00

What the hell? That is one expensive piece of paper...and a bit more cash than I currently have just sitting around.

Now I know the real reason why I just killed My Mistake in my dream.

So I am thinking of calling The Mistake and seeing if he will file (so I dont have to fly home-again) and just we each pay for half-seems fair and logical right-except My Mistake is insane and will most likly say that if the divorce is So Important To Me than I can just pay for it because he is perfectly content with things the way they are.

So I am a bit stressed, because I tend to think my dreams are true and what if $1650.00 Piece of Paper is really what is keeping The Cellist and I apart-not because of him, but because of something in my head that is giving off some crazy vibe that I can be faithful to him because I am technically still married...ahh I don't know...then I see this story on the news about this call girl in LA that gets 2G's an hour for her, umm company...

I am just saying is all-

Dear Self~

2005-11-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Self, I think I just might be falling in love with you. Everyday you impress me more and more. You are quirky-you like running to live music because the cheering and clapping of the crowds motivate you. You give good, honest advice and sometimes you just shut your mouth and listen. Self, try not to be so embarrassed about mistakes in your past. Let the truth come out as the truth, not just as a joke. It is true that some people may judge you for it, and look as you as imperfect, but others will learn from you sharing those mistakes and see your recovery as perfection in progress. I think in time you will learn that perfection in progress is easier and more realistic that just perfection.

Self, have I told you today that you are absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world when you make someone else smile. Your kind words to a gas station employee, working late to secure someone a great job-not because you are getting paid to do it, but because you want to be able to make that call and congratulate them on their new position, going a out of your way to be helpful to a stranger, the smallest thing-like letting someone in front of you at the grocery store that only has a couple of items-these thinks make you Vogue cover worthy. When you do things like this there is a beauty that radiates from inside of you. When there is satisfaction that your heart is beautiful, you don't need a mirror, or scale, or boy to tell you how beautiful you are-continue doing things like this and the whole world will soon know your beauty, and if we are lucky the world itself will become more beautiful.

Self, lets work on honest expectations of ourself. I agree that goals are great things to have, however the things you are working to change did not get this way over night and they will take time to correct. Keep this thought with you-you haven't failed until you give up! Every step in the right direction is just that- a step, if you spend your time looking for ways to take shortcuts or jump great distances, then you are wasting time that you could me taking more of those small steps. You are idealistic and you choose things about yourself to work on that were not quick fixes. I commend you on this, but learn first to commitment to correction then learn how to correct.

Self, lets pay less attention to idle gossip and material things. You are beginning to realize that your life does not have to be black or white, nor does it have to make sense to others. You don't have to choose to think the sky line is more beautiful than the ocean or that a peaceful book is more exciting than a night club, but you do have to choose why you have an affinity to the things you enjoy. Your willingness to try new things is amazing, but I would like to see you work harder on developing you own thoughts on those things. Allow yourself to decide and allow others to attempt to share there influence, there is a place between rock and water-let us try to find it.

Self, you wanted to become amazing, and I must say I am discovering you were amazing all along. What you are working toward I hope you never fully reach, continue this path and always desire to go to sleep at night knowing that you could not of lived this day any better and wake up in the morning excited about all that you can accomplish in the following hours. Even if this thought is fleeting, as the day rushes you with frustration, sarcasm, rumors, lustful desires, insensitive comments, rude gestures, angry thoughts, self pity, laziness, and all the other horrors that are just human nature-don't scrap the idea that you could still live that day better, take a deep breath and start with a small change.

Yours~
Brandy

What would your letter to you say?

Commitment Update

2005-11-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

1. I have not had a drink since my birthday (10/19)
2. I have been to the gym every day-2x per day everyday but Saturday and Sunday when I only go once.
3. I am taking a pilates class, a power yoga class, and a hip-hop aerobics dance class (no shit...I look like a damn cracker fool...)
4. I have not had a cheeseburger, a french fry, a chiggy nugget, a chicken wing, fried cheese, poppers, or hell anything fried or from a fastfood restaurant in over 15 days.
5. I am working 12 hour days, bringing work home and have never felt like I deserved my paycheck so much in my life.
6. I have not been shopping in 15 days, with the exception of grocery shopping which I have actually done the past 2 Saturday's at a grocery store.
7. I am only drinking 3 12oz diet cokes a day and minimum of 72oz of water a day is use to be vice versa except the only water I drank was what I accidentally got in my mouth in the shower
8. I have been getting 8 full hours of sleep every night

on another note-Light Rock is taking over my life (downfall of 12 hour days at work)...I want to spend a whole day listening to ghetto hip hop (show off the new dance moves) and loud crazy punk music, and nothing they could ever play on a light rock station

I am off to bed, then to the gym, then to work, then to the Pilates class, then to the gym, then to bed...then to the gym, then to work, well hell you get the point.

1 month, 1 week, and 4 days left to go...

What The World Wide Web Taught Me Today

2005-11-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.

Your Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

So True It Is Scary...

Homeless University: Where The Paper Your Degree Is On Is Worth Something

2005-10-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

FALL SEMESTER MID TERMS

Class
Current Events 3 credit hours
Course Descrption
Observing homeless guy take time to read the front page of the newpaper through the inside of the newspaper stand.

Grade: F
Comments
You have digital cable, high speed internet, a radio, you stop at a gas station almost every morning, and lose enough change in a week to buy a newpaper every day for a year and you didnt know about the fucking earthquake in the middle east, if and where the hurricane hit for almost 2 days.

Class
Public Speaking 3 Credit Hours
Course Description
Observing a homeless guy approach many strangers speak to them after sucess he does not stop and gloat and after rejection he does not beat himself up-instead he keeps going all the same focused on the long term objective

Grade D
Comments
While your involvment in enganging strangers in conversation is evident in bars and through the sales aspect of your employment it is timid at best even with your $200.00 suit, $90 shoes, $50 manicure, and atleast $150.00 worth of makeup & hair product. Overall you fail to move beyond being able to do just the actions. You get self absorbed in your sucesses and cry (literally) over your failures.

Class
Art in Life Appreciation 3 Hours
Course Description
You observe a homeless guy pass by, pause, then pick up a rose that was made from a napkin and left on a table, he looks at it and then adds it to the weight of stuff that he is pushing around in a shopping cart

Grade F
Comments
You failed to notice the rose, then once you saw the guy pick up the rose you thought about offering him money for it, because once he saw the value you in it, you did. You lack the orginal thought of seeing the value of the rose, then you has the gall to assume that this guy could be bought just because he has less money than you, and even worse than assumption was the fact that in a similar situation you would give up something of personal value for money.

Dear "Parents"

I will do better I promise-

Brandy

The Commitment-Now It Is In Words

2005-10-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have a trouble with commitment since My Mistake and I got a divorce, but the new found wisdom that 25 (ha) has brought has inspired me to make a commitment.

The wisdom and a phone call on my birthday-of course.

I am not just saying my commitment-I am going a step further and putting it into words-and even a bigger step...

I moved my bed against the wall and put your picture in a frame on my nightstand

because no matter how hard I try, or how hard I look, or who I meet, everyone else is just the person I am settling for-

It is a commitment to you-to the possibility of us-a testament of my patience-my proof that I believe you are right and it is a matter of timing- that us being a "we" is a matter of timing and for you I am willing to wait.

So we have got a little less than 2 months before we get to see each other again and I vow-wait the last time I used that word it resulted in My Mistake-I promise-wait that sounds a little weak-I gotta take a Shift F7 break-I guarantee that I am going to focus on me.

that's right-On Me-not on you...

I am going to make improvements on me--360 all around-not just physical, but mental, spiritual, all of it.

My focus for a little less than 2 months is on me-the me that I want you to see.

For me-
Please know that I am not doing this for you-but for me-I want to be my absolute best, I want to be as happy as I can be when I see you-so I can experience that 100% happiness-being happy with everything in my life and then having you-not having you and expecting that to be enough.

See You On December 14th

In the last 25 Years I have...

2005-10-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

done good things, bad things, funny things...
I have experienced sadness, great happiness, the regret that follows anger, the regret that follows death, the sudden peace that a birth can bring, the laughter of a family and the tears you can only share with those same people...

experienced the amazement with myself when I achieve something I worked hard for, that I thought could not be done, and discovered the greater strength the lies in the acceptance of failure, I have taken advice and noticed the window that opened when the door shut and I have missed the knock of opportunity...

I have had friends that will always be true, friends that have crossed me and I have forgiven, friends that I can not forgive, I have friends that had a brief but powerful impact and then were gone, I have friends that I know are here even though they are there, friends that have believed in me and kept me on course, friends that challenged me, and friends that taught me that dreams can change, friends that insisted I was real, friends that put the truth in front of my feelings and friends that put my feelings in front of the truth, I have hurt friends and been kind to strangers and I have hurt strangers and have been kind to my friends, I have learned the power of my words and I have learned that I need to harness that power better...

and I have loved. Puppy love, deep love, romantic love, movie love moments, I have done stupid things for love, I have had stupid things done for me because of love, I have been worshiped, I have had my heartbroken to a degree that I thought I would never recover and learned to love again, I have been a good lover, a bad lover, I have been faithful, and unfaithful, I have been lustful and unfulfilled, I have been jealous and made others jealous, I have been made to feel beautiful and made to believe more in myself than I do in the approval of others, I have vowed to love, honor, and obey till death do me part, I have realized that I was not ready for that commitment...

I have starting writing things that one day I will finish, and I have started writing things that are better off incomplete. I have learned the words to songs I will never forget, read stories so powerful I would of been a different person without it, I have seen the beauty in the sun rising over one ocean and setting over another, I have felt the presence of God as he catches a ride on falling leaves, witnessed the clarity in the stars on a winter night, and I have been granted the understanding that a perfect kiss happens in the kind of rain that is unexpected and unpredicted by weather men...

In the last 25 Years I have been fortunate and unfortunate and now that I think about it I have not been just practicing-I have been living.

Here's to the next 25-I think I am ok with it now.

2005-10-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

Wine with Pop Rocks & Other Bad Ideas From Brandyland

2005-10-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

1. 2 Genders-God my advice to you is the next time you create a world and all stick to the one gender in the meantime can you send me "the calling" the Nuns are telling me that hating boys and not being into munching carpet does not make me a good candidate for the sisterhood (fucking bitches)

2. Beauty Obsessed-where did this come from? I have never been obsessed with the way I look I was always comfortable knowing that I had a great personality- but I have been informed this is no longer enough. Now I am fucking screwed. The Nuns don't care, fucking bitches, maybe it is because I am flipping a bit about turning about my birthday (I know everyone who is older is going to give me shit because it is only 25 but it is a big deal to me), maybe because in Cali it is more important, but it seems in the past few months people have been bring it to my attention that I am not beautiful-which I already knew but damn am I so bad I have to be told? Has something gone awire with my personality that it no longer makes up for the fact that I am more duck than swan?

I am starting the Fuck A Duck Club-us like minded people with great personalities and nonmodel looks will associate only with each other-like a networking organization.

3. Musicians. Damn Brandy when are you going to learn? Repeat "No More musicians" "No More musicians" Beautiful music together we do not make.

4. And I am sorry I am a bitch-I am going to do it. This fucker-that is his real picture-that is what he really looks like-HE has a great personality, witty, funny etc. HE IS NOT HOT-but I found him attactive based on his inner attributes. He however, did not find me attractive despite my personality AND I QUOTE "You confuse me...you aren't pretty like other girls I see but you have a great personality you are so funny and witty but you just aren't attractive but I have an attraction to you"

THIS GUY? Really? I would think he would understand fully the great personality as compensation for mediocre (AT BEST) looks...and I thought I was dellusional-Good Luck to you Bro-IF you ever find someone that is beautiful and witty and intelligent and fun and all this other stuff I recommend you call her the Messiah (because odds are she is...at least according to the Nuns) and IF you find that person and they are intersted in you...well you are a lucky fucker and hook a sister up with a number if she happens to have a brother, cousin, father that is single....

I am just saying is all.

Go On Vacation...Leave On Probation

2005-10-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

So you can click on the picture to read the captions to the picture or just know that the marks on my arm are from the stripper pole or the mechanical bull...I am now the PATRON saint of Tequila.

Sorry I have been lame but this is why:

To:
anon-100463577@craigslist.org
From:
The Cleverist (Ha..get it?)
Subject:
Mostly Harmless - 24
Date:
Wed, 28 Sep 2005 01:00:14 -0700

Post cold war russian poetry, and craigslist - a theme by The Cleverist ( Ha Get it?)
In the interest of being brief, this paper shall be limited to
just 29 sections. Of these sections, only half will be of any sense,
the rest will be the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic who types very
fast.

By its very nature, post cold ware russian poetry is, and always
will be, the defining standard by which craigslist posts are
measured. This can be summed up as the dumbasskaya scale, which goes
from 7 to 9, and only includes prime numbers. For instance, "Disky
katka wist due headanksas", which translates to "The two headed cat",
is a 7.2849 on the dumbasskaya scale, by virtue of its sp..
Oh fuck it thats just not funny to me anymore. If you're still
reading, then you truly share my sense of humor, or you're just one
of those people who enjoys pain.

I'm 27, my alcohol tolerance is _impressive_. I'd say its a 8.552 on
the dumbasskaya. Unfortunately, there's no other way to qualify it,
since if you remember how much you drank, you didn't drink enough to
even register on the scale.

Seriously, we need to talk. Oh, and I'm reading "Surely You're
Joking Mr. Feynman - Adventures of a curious character." Do I get
docked points if I bring it from the living room, into the bathroom,
and back out? I promise I'll sanitize it if I ever let you borrow it.
;)
Other stuff.. got a car, got a job, and I can dance.. like.. not too
good.. but better than most people. Ok so my gay, former professional
dancer friend once said to me "The Cleverist (HA Get it), either you're half gay or half
black, I can't decide which." But what the hell there was a stripper
pole and 40 or so of my colleagues.. what am I to do.. let it go
unused?!

Which was a response to this...

Mostly Harmless - 24 (Ursa Minor)
Reply to: anon-100463577@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-10-03, 6:46PM PDT
First and foremost... I do the following too much:
1. Smoke-but nothing illegal
2. Drink (coffee, diet coke, wine, tequila, beer, etc. with the exception of water, unless you count ice.)
3. Stay in PJ's all day on a Saturday
4. Curse like a sailor on liberty in Thailand, sometimes when children, blue hairs and members of the clergy are present
5. Eat fast-food
6. Listen too music too loud
7. Ignore drama
8. Speed, fail too use turn signal, yield right of way, stop for pedestrians, obey one way street signs, and other miscellaneous safe driving guidelines
9. Use razor sharp wit to belittle others publicly for a cheap laugh(but this is done to benefit those who I keep company with)
10. Lack the general understanding of advanced concepts to include (but certainly not limited to) time, money, directions, or post cold war Russian poetry. (my understanding of pre cold war Russian poetry is quite impressive)

Secondly The following are things I do not do often enough
1. Meet funny guys
2. Meet outgoing guys
3. Meet guys with alcohol tolerance equal to or greater than my own
4. Meet guys with car (not stolen)job (no mandated by conditions of parole or of questionable nature),and a place to live (crashing on your "boys" couch does not count)
5. Meet guys with out a Cialis addiction
6. Meet guys who are not looking to meet guys
7. Meet guys without a wife (even if your relationship is "open" I am not) or unfriendly pets
8. Meet a guy who has RECENTLY read a book OUTSIDE of the bathroom-partial credit will given if you STARTED the book in the bathroom, but found it too good to put down and finished it elsewhere ONLY if the book was over 65 pages
9. Meet a guy who can dance, but not too good-see #6
10. Meet a guy who will Rap along with Luda, Rock with Queen, Punk Out to NoFx, Chill to Counting Crows, and Drink to Flogging Molly, CCR, or Tom Petty.

So...if you or someone you know caught the hint about what I am looking for and you think you or that someone you know encompasses at east 50% of either list above, I would love to take you (or that someone you know) out to dinner or drinks, or both, or just drinks, or just dinner or no drinks, no dinner, maybe just a cupcake and shot or so of Jack Daniels or just a cupcake or no cupcake and just Jack Daniels or...your call

Your pic gets mine or made fun of...
this is in or around Ursa Minor
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests100463577

Yes that is a personals ad.
Yes I am that fucking lame.
Yes I have met this guy.
Yes we had a blast hanging out.
Yes he sang Boheniman Rapsoidity karoake.
Yes we spent an entire night-till 6AM-on the phone together AFTER we met.
Yes he sends me the funniest emails in the world and there is just something about a funny guy
Yes I know that this sounds like a MATCH.COM Ad.
Yes you can tell I really kind of like him because we havent even kissed yet
Yes I know this is going to end badly, most likely with my head chopped off (by his 4 wives) and in a freezer somewhere in Iowa.

So as you can he, he is pretty effin clever (the cleverist...Ha get it? like really get it not just because he is clever..think about it..The CLEVERIST HA) so I have been channeling all of my wit that way...hope you don't mind.

MY NAME IS EARL

2005-09-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

What a funny fucking showing...if you missed it, you missed it...but I recommend catching it.

The Trip Part 3: New Orleans..We Didn't Even Remember These Pictures

2005-09-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

I am leaning up against the pole cause I can't stand

Opps...I was to drunk to take a good picture ISN'T CPW CUTE?
ISN'T SHE A CUTE DRUNK?
A SUPER CUTIE DRUNK!

More to come later, we still have The Cactus, The Bathroom, New Mexico, Arizona (which didnt have a sign to climb on, just a flag) and some other random shots.

Happy Start Of Birthday Month CPW!

The Trip Part 2: The States We Hit UP

2005-09-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

Peace..and welcome to Louisiana
CPW was so scared I was going to fall....
Starhead...
Fucking Texas
Mississippi..hotties

The Trip Part 1

2005-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

CPW takes the keys to Pedro De Penske Truck
We Pack the shit in the bitch
"chruch" Chubbie and Chappie are off...(that is me driving by the way)
The Gas Station with no gas, but it did have a swing set....

I LOVE HALLOWEEN!

2005-09-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

The Condom is my #1 Halloween costume choice, with fishnets and kneehigh boots, slash is my #2 choice, and the guy who shows up in the Pussy Liqueor costume is the man of my dreams...Damn guys always have the funniest costume options...if I wasn't scared of people thinking I was a lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with being a lesbian)I would wear it!

A real post to come soon....

Go, Get Set, On Your Mark

2005-09-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I was reading an essay by Deborah Tannen the basic idea of this essay was that there is no “unmarked” woman-Unmarked in the terms of linguistic theory, were as an unmarked verb is a verb in the present tense, for example, love is unmarked but make it past, loved, the verb is marked. Unmarked is also the male standard conveyed meaning of a word, while to add an ending such as “ette” or “ess” marks the word as female and in turn makes them appear frivolous (Stay With Me I think I am might make a point) For example, how serious would you take a doctorette? So linguistic theory lesson aside, Tannen was attempting to make this point that while men in our society can remain unmarked, women by nature mark themselves…we don’t just all exist in the present, so to speak, we differentiate ourselves from other women, in manner of hairstyles, clothes, general mannerisms and personality.

In Tannen’s mind, this is different because for the most part all men are the same and it is only the extremes that mark themselves, and such marking (becoming an extreme punk rocker, or athlete, or materialistic pretty boy) is by choice, while women have no choice but to mark themselves and are therefore at a disadvantage in life situations EXCEPT finding a mate and procreating AND a man marks himself not to find a mate but to deter the mate.

Tannen, although a well respected researcher on gender issues, failed to notice one major fucking flaw in her theory….us “marked” females generally have the most attraction to a male that has taken the “marked” road themselves. Which would explain why so many women want me they can not have. Most alarming is the fact that while Tannen takes the time to understand that women go through remarkable effort to not only find themselves but to also be “woman” (an without so much a bit of frivolousness implied) enough to exibit her findings by ways of hair, jewelry, makeup, the books she reads, the songs she listens to, whether of not she sings those songs out loud in her car, etc.

Yet Tannen feels that we should attempt to be unmarked-that in a conference room or a restaurant one should have as much trouble making assumptions about a woman’s life as they do the average man…and I see what she is saying, I tried it at lunch today, I could (stereo) type and assume things about women based on superficial qualities and mannerisms so much easier than I could do it for guys.. women should blend and hide more behind identical khakis and polos, shouting and cheering for the same sports albeit different teams, and trust me I am not saying all men are like that, that is Tannen, and Tannen feels that we should become that way to become more successful, unless our idea of success is just to be a pretty flashy lure to catch fish and have babies.

So what the fuck and I don’t have an answer and rebuttal from personal experience my lure has not caught me a super tuna fish, yet I have not been unsuccessful in my professional life, I am standard sucessful for my age and drive-so what can I say, I think Tannen is wrong, I think that women should be themselves, I think we should wear what we want, we should have our hair like we want, we should let our personalities be what we want-focusing on what we all know individually that we need to improve upon to be what we want to be and letting those things about us, what we have taken the time to find and mark lead us to the fish AND the position and that will give us happiness, if not we are just the other fucking crazy gender and jackasses like myself and Tannen need to quite drinking so much coffee at night so that we may actually sleep

All this is leading to a very important point…I need to get laid.

2005-09-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Rocas De la Cogida De México

2005-09-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

Amo México. ¡Tan las muchachas y yo decidíamos procurar a la danza de Salsa ayer por la noche... que era tan caliente... esto es mi nuevo favorito más allá del tiempo! Asno atractivo que sacudare por todas partes.

Muchachos atractivos que me hacen girar alrededor, tiros del tequllia, los pensamientos borrachos que puedo bailar apenas como bueno (si no mejor) que Shakira. ¡Cómo la diversión... yo no puede esperar para hacerlo otra vez!

Sin embargo, era comportado bien... yo no di vuelta a mi bailar a vertical... a sobre todo horizontal debido al hecho de que puede ser que tenga un poco agolpamiento en alguien que satisfice anterior en el fin de semana. ¡Soy tal perdedor!

Era el coger caliente.

It was fucking hot.

What I Love Most About Living In San Diego...

2005-09-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

watching the Gilmore Girls with CPW every Tuesday night.

100% Proven Loser

2005-09-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to martini I installed audioblogger and was ready to document a night in the life of Branshine and CPW.

We did an audio blog in the car.

We did several audio blogs at the bar...including talking shit about the band, interviews with Miami Lice (the homeless looking guy that was sniffing snuff), Married Mike and Pastoral Paul,

Crazy commentary from Say, Dr. Dre, CPW and yours truly

THEN
inteviews with the hottie gas station guy- that included the following comment made "I want you to stick it in and wiggle it around"
interviews with the hottie coast guard guys

THEN
commentary from the strip club-
a live interview with the best damn stripper I have ever seen-the shit this chick could do on a pole...a-fucking-mazing

THEN
commentary from Denny's-the food, the hottie server-singing along with jukebox

CPW and I rush home to listen to the night-and then nada nothing...it seems that in my intoxication-I forget to listen to the instructions all the way through and you don't just hit pound to end the recording and then hang up, ohh no. there is more.

Damn it.

Well next time.

Hey Ken...

2005-09-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

So I had to explain to someone today (at the place I will never blog about) The Cellist.

The story started with:
Once upon a time, I was a fucking dumbass.

The climax:
I was fucking a dumbass

The story ended with:
and then I lived ever after as a fucking dumbass.

The general press had this question:
What the fuck?

I had this response:
I have no fucking clue.

And The Critics Said:
" I thought you to be smarter than that"

me too. It sucks being wrong.

EDIT
Hey Ken-
I have to admit, I like watching the Real World this season because it is in Austin as much as I bitch about it being torture because I miss you and it makes me think of you-and I am lame because in the bar scenes I think I might catch a glimpse of you in the background
and
I have to admit, I read the missed connections on Craigs List in Austin-and every post I read about a girl missing a great guy, I think that it is you-because you are great and any girl would be stupid not think so.
and
I know our timing is not right and it never has been, but I have to admit, a big part of me thinks that one day it will be right.

My Freudian Slip Was Showing...

In other-place I can't blog about-news.

I met a client yesterday that was an ideal-atleast his surface personality and looks. Just great, had me even blushing a bit. In arranging the meeting, I told him I would bring him chocolate if he could meet with me, which I did.

So I send a follow up email. I have made the error obvious, even though I am pretty sure you could of caught it without my assistance.
******

Your time this afternoon was much appreciated, I think we are now moving in the right direction to satisfy your current staffing needs.

I hope the chocolate was enough of a BRIDE for you- if you think it requires more, let me know and I will be happy to hand deliver what is required to make up for the deficiency :)

Kindest Regards,

Brandy

*****

and to date he has not taken me up on that offer.

HOME ALONE

Cpw is out with some people from school tonight & she went out to dinner with her friends from school last night- she didnt invite me.

The life of being the sister of the coolest person in the world is a hard one, so much to live up too.

I feel like a loser-I am all butt hurt because I wasn't invited to play.

ATTENTION:
READ THE BLOGGER COMMENTS-IT IS FUCKED UP

The General Mish Mash Post

2005-08-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

Hi! My Name Is Brandy and...

I don't know how to audioblog-but if I did, I would want to audioblog as cool as this. If you are short on time, scroll all the way down to the bottom, and you have the start of a drinking game which involves taking a shot every time someone says the word "fuck"...I like to call it Martini Madness

I don't know how to pod cast either-I wish I did, sometimes I just have so much too say, but am just too damn lazy to type it all.

Update on the Date From Hell.

Folks the questions have been pouring in, so Id like to take a moment and just respond to the FAQ's

1. How old was this guy? Sadly 27 years old-the same age as Kurt, Jimi, Jim, Janis, Shannon, Brad- yup all those great talents died at that age, yet somehow he survived. Darwin was wrong.

2. Was this like his first date? I am unsure...however I would hope to spare others of this and pray that it is his last.

3. Where did you meet this guy? In a bar-Mom you were right I am never going to meet anyone nice in a bar. I am going to church this Sunday.

4. I don't Understand what was so bad? Then here is his number 858-882-7699, you call him.

5. I would of been out of there much sooner, how did YOU have the patience to stay the entire date? All I can compare it to is watching Britney Spears in the movie Crossroads, you know from the beginning it is going to be bad, yet the sick part of you had to see it all the way through so you don't have to guess about how bad it actually got. Like mental endurance. Plus I had never seen a baseball game and to his credit he did have great seats. (but I do think that he might of stolen the tickets and only decided to use them when he realized that he could not sell them)

There has been a bit of penis around these parts...
So I suppose you b o y s are back for another promising school year. Thank God you fat chick hating fuckers were not around earlier this summer to see the picture of myself that I posted. I must say that I honestly look forward to each of your stories and insights into the male head (pun so intended)

Welcome Back.
Now, Hit the bars and earn a passing grade from your favorite professor, Dr. Branshine.

Why I Can't Be Cali Chill
There is this thing here, Cali Chill. Where everything is all mellow and no worries, even though every place is over crowded, no one is polite, and no one follows any of the basic traffic rules. (note: a cali rolling stop is cool when you are the only one around and you roll through the stop sign at the end of your street it is a bit dangerous when everyone does it at major intersections)

I find my self saying excuse me and hearing "no worries" even though they are the person who bumped into me or cut me off in traffic. (the correct response is no excuse me or even the old nah my bad) The only explanation for the ability to maintain this level of chill is the obscene overload in the combination of avocado and starbucks consumption. (some times at the same time which is just a little fucking odd to me...like cauliflower and coffee, it is just not right) I am just a bit high strung for all this chill.

Therefore, I need to introduce a new phase to the cali vernacular:

Yes Worries.

Fucker bumps into me...
Jackass in the BMW that pulls out when I have the right of way and looks at me like I am an idiot...
Stinking surfer burns my pants with a ciggy...
Guy from south gasstationemployeeistan (a small country that mass produces gas station employee that do not have the ability to understand the word ULTRA when I ask for Marlboro ULTRA lights and in turn gives me the wrong ciggys then I have to wait for him to get the right ones)...

Yes Worries. Big Fucking Worries.

Worries of me stabbing you in the neck, hitting your beloved Bimmer because lets face it I have insurance, low mental stability & I don't really give a fuck, huge worries of you being forced to bathe, worries of immigration...Yes My Friend, if you really have "no worries" then you should.

Yes Worries.

Branshine Is Raining on This Chill Parade.

Refreshing Isn't?

20 Things To NOT to On A Date With Me

2005-08-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

1. Don't give Me fucked up directions to your house.
2. Don't not be there or answer your phone when I get there (or what I thought was there) because you are still surfing
3. Don't catch me just before I get back on the 5 and tell me to meet you at Trader Joe's because the directions you gave me suck and make me feel like I am an idoit because I could not find it.
4. Don't show up a Trader Joes at 1:45-45 minutes after the game and not be ready.
4A. Don't look an me like an idoit when I call you out because YOU dont know your left from right and that was the cause of my not be able to find it
5. Dont' take me back to your apartment that has not been cleaned ever to wait while you get ready, which doesnt involve a shower although you have been surfing and outside where it is hot all fucking day
6. Don't leave me in the living room alone with your "Friend who crashes on the couch" while you get ready watching some fucked up black and white movie that involves someone pissing into an IV bag, giving it to someone else-who then injecting it into themself-and while this is never cool-it wasnt even like jackass it was all serious with no words and just shitty sound track
6a. Please don't interupt this movie masterpiece of shit by coming back into the living room with a bottle of listerine and a bottle of windex and tell me and guy who crashes on the couch how you almost put the windex in your mouth-how? Just because they are the same color-could you not tell from the shape of the bottle? From the fact that one had a squirt nozzle and one had just a regular lid?
7. Don't after all that have getting ready to involved some lame ass rock shit shirt with blood and skulls and holes (plural) in the back
8. Don't ask me if I smoke? and not mean ciggys-Fucking stoner no fucking wonder
8a. In other words don't be high on a first date-this would prevent the movie, the listerine/windex, the bad directions, the guy crashing on the couch, the nasty apartment
9. Don't INSIST we take your car if your car is a POS Camero that is too old to be cool and not old enough too be cool with no AC on the hottest day ever in San Diego because my car isn't cool- Its a honda civic with air, and power windows, and CD player, and air, and a sun roof and air, and air and air in other words, it is cool-fucking cold even
10. Don't go through the damn drive thru on the way to the game that we are already late for
11. Don't stop at the liquor store on the way to the game that we are already late for, to get a shit combo of liquor to mix with your coke to drink on the way to the game (99 Bannana's, Spiced Rum, Cherry something, and vodka ALL AT ONE TIME-are we 16 again?)
11a Don't look at me like I am a prude because I don't want you drinking that fucked up drink while driving me in the POS car that doesnt have airbags or air-not that you should of wanted to drink the drink anyways
12. Don't have us arrive to the game at the 7th inning strech
13. Don't be serious and ask me what and RBI is-even I know that andI have never watched a whole baseball game ever, however I have watched and entire episode of the news
14. Don't make a racist joke about the KKK strike sign-did you think I would think it was funny because I am from the south?
15. Don't bitch about how boring the game is-it was your idea and I am sure had we of arrived before it was almost over it might of been fun.
16. Don't get up to go to the bathroom, end up getting something to drink and not offer or bring me something esp. after I had to spend all that time with you (stinky surfer boy) in your hot airless pos car
17. On the way back to your apartment that I would of traded my soul to teleport to-dont's talk about the "fucking fags in this town" (trust me, the ugliest "fag" I know would not even want to fuck you with your own dick), the fucking tweekers that live next to you, how you want to kill homeless people, how everybody in PB is so shallow, but it is the most chill place in the world-negative
18. Don't bum a ciggy from me after I have just about jumped from your moving car in order to get away from you when we get back to your place I cant even call an apartment
19. Don't notice that your "guy crashing on the couch" hit my car with his car-no doubt because he was high and not point it out to me (it was on the passenger side, I didnt notice it till I got the the gas station 2 minutes later-yes I would rather piss in a 7-11 than spend more time with you)
20. Don 't look at me and say with all seriousness-this was fun, we should do it again.

Now after a date like that you may wonder why I would or how I could ever date again, except I saw this DeBeers commerical-the one for the 3 stone ring and they are in the plaza and he says I would marry you all over again in front of all these people and she is like no way and looks around and this lady stand up and she is like Mom?, and a guy takes the newpaper away from his face and she is like dad? and she notices that she knows like every one and he gets down on one knee and is like" will you marry me, again?" and she says yes-Iam already crying-and everyone stands up and claps and you KNOW that if that is the possible reward (the sentiment not the ring) then it is SO worth 1000 bad dates, or even 100 cellist heart(head) breaks.

That is all.

Fuck It..because Im Drunk and I love a good surprise

2005-08-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

This Comment:

Well I've been seeking and I have found.Once upon a time a wonderful blog princess told me she was interested in nominating me for president and then continued to flower me with complimentary comments. In the weeks that followed I became entranced by the events of her life as compiled in an awe-inspiring blog. Then...She left us. No forwarding address. No goodbye. No more comments. Just gone.Where did she go I wondered. Is she still alive? Did she have a Jr Bacon Goodness induced heart attack? Did she run off to Austin to live forever with the cellist? I just didn't know. I couldn't sleep at night. So instead I travelled the wireless highways searching for the Branshine. The light was gone from my life.But now....Now...I've found you again...So it begins anew.--
Chuck
Chuck Homepage 08.26.05 - 11:11 pm #

was a surprise.

I fucking love a surprise.

Fucking Chuck (martini I hope to hell u read this)

I fucking wish you were not married.

I fucking wish I was not drunk.

I fucking wish you lived in San Di...I fucking wished I knew how to spell the name of the city I fucking live in

that surprised me and made me smile.

Fuck You & Thanks For that.

will still never be as cool as you & Adam..when am I going to be a guest on one of those god dAMED pod casts?

will quit drinking soon.

I should of went to Austin to live forever with the hellist...Ha! great.

Good Morning It's the morning!

Seeking

2005-08-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

Mr. Right-although how can I expect Mr. Right if I myself could use some impovement...if I am not 'right'

Mr. Right For Me-although should I not expect some who is not only right for me right now but some one who will inspire me to be better

Mr. Right Now-although settling just because I am lonely has never paid off in the past

Mr. Right Where I Should Be-although I don't want to constantly be worried that I am not good enough

Mr. Yeah Right-although I really would prefer to be with someone who made it impossible for me to look at someone else or at everybody else at for that matter

Fuck It...

Seeking
The necessary supplies to be a spinster.

Happy (Training) Birthday To Me & CPW

2005-08-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

It is our training birthday today! Yeah!

What...you dont know what a training birthday is?

Well...today is 8/19 one month before our birthday month starts (9/19) which is a month long celebration leading up to the big day 10/19...so on training birthday we practice our birthday..with gifts and ballons and partying and drinking and drinking. Our birth celebration is so intense that we must prepare for it!

I love my training birthday! Happy Training Birthday to Us!

Hey CPW...Make a wish!

I am wishing for a hot nice guy, a great week next week at the place I will not ever blog about, Great happiness for CPW, and maybe a missed connection on criags list one day and no hang over in the morning...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

2005-08-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

All hands join me in congratulating Bran on, what could most certainly be her greatest achievement since graduating college...

SHE PARALLEL PARKED!!!!

Watch out world, she'll be taking over soon.

-CP-I-taught-her-everything-she-knows-W

The Salt Packet?

2005-08-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hot Fries
From The Drive Thru
You Gotta Have One
Before You Get Home
Taste so Good You Gotta Have Another
This one a bit salty
a bit soggy

You Got it baby...

Chomp

You Got that Salt Packet
Chomp Chomp

Eyes water
Little cough
Spit or Swallow the choice is yours
It'll give you the hiccups either way.

Be Honest If You Have...
Don't Judge if You Haven't...
'cause if you luv da fries it'll happen to you

I Will Kill Some Fucking Ants and Not Blink...Beeach

2005-08-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember from the old site that got me fired a story about the need to rid the world of some ladybugs...mad crazy amounts of these little winged critters, and I had to put aside my tree hugging heart and kill the fuckers.

Well the killer in me had to make a repeat appearance this Friday night and I recruited and trained another killer..Cpw.

Now for the sake of the pending class action law suit where I will be represented by new lawyer Cindy Lou and her partner Waly I cant give all the details but this I can tell you...

REENACTMENT AHEAD:

It was a sunny afternoon in CA, I was off work at 2:00 for good behavior, CPW and I decide to meet at a local nail salon for mani's and pedi's before painting the town red...little did we know the red would be from bloodshed..

CPW finished before me and heads back to the apartment to begin the process, Sing-yan finishes my pedi, I dry and return to the apartment...

CPW is in the kitchen.."don't come in here, you will flip out...."

I ignore her warning and step into the kitchen

She was wrong, I did not merely flip out, yet I did something the can only be referred to flipping the fuck out...

little
creatures
crawling
in a line
ants marching, swarming, ready for attack, this wasn't your Dave Matthews or Disney happy ant bull shit, this was Night Of The Living Ants this was Nightmare on Ant Street, this was Dawn of the Ants, this was fucking unacceptable...

Weapon One: The Apartment Complex Office
Calm Brandy Vs. Fucking Ants are going to pick me up, carry me into their hole and eat me alive Brandy

Calm Brandy: Percent Calm (100%)
Hi this is christina with Fucking Ant Infested Apartment Homes How Can Be of No Fucking Use to You?
Percent Calm (98%)
Hi this is brandy in unit covered in fucking ants I have about a trillion ants in my kitchen right now and I need something done about it STAT.
Ohh Brandy I am so sorry, I can arrange for Pest Control to be there on Thursday..
Percent Calm (84%)
Ok Chrisdumbasstina, unless we have gone through a time warp and today is Thursday, then that is not going to work for me.
Oh I am sorry unless it is Bees or wasps then there is nothing else I can do.
Percent Calm (70%)
This is an emergency there is an insane amount of ants in my kitchen.

Rapid decrease of Calm Ahead
Come on Brandy (Like the bitch knows me) I know you are from the south and there are bigger ants than what we have in the south

Percent Calm 68%
Yes
Percent Calm 62%
But
Percent Calm 57%
Those
Percent Calm 50%
Fucking
Percent Calm 47%
Ants
Percent Calm 41%
Are
Percent Calm 38%
Out
Percent Calm 30%
Fucking
Percent Calm 26%
Side
Percent Calm 19% WARNING DANGER CALM IS BELOW 20% WARNING

Well I don't know what to tell you
Percent Calm 15%
Ill make it simple repeat after me...I will call the pest control people
I cant do that
Percent Calm 11%
Well
Percent Calm 10%
Then
Percent Calm 8%
You
Percent Calm 6%
and this
Percent Calm 4%
fucking
Percent Calm 3%
apartment complex
Percent Calm 2%
suck
Percent Calm 1%
ass
Percent Calm 0%

due to pending legal battles the remainder of the conversation can not be transcribed (kidding) (I hope)

weapon 2: insanity and Save-On Drugs
2 Can 17.5 OZ Raid Outdoor/Indoor Ant Killer Unscented $2.50 Each
1 box 10 Count Raid Outdoor Ant Spikes $3.49
1 box 15 Count Terro Ant Killer Liquid Ant Bait $3.99
2 box 10 Count Grants Kills Ants (destroys entire colonies) Ant Stakes $3.99

Stakes, Spikes, Sprays and Bait-I was ready to assume my role as Brandy the Ant Slayer.

1 Box of gloves...Cpwillow recommended these for cleaning up the carnage $1.59

Sub-Total
$22.05
Tax
$1.52
Total
$23.57

Highlights from the War
..Cpwillow over the 2nd floor balcony scaling the wall to place a Grants Kills Ants brand stakes on the window sill of the kitchen
..Brandy the Ant Slayer rushing the kitchen Kamakasi style with a can of Raid Brand spray in each hand
...Cpwillow deep in the bush planting stakes while I attacked from above (Note this almost resulted in a casualty..one because all the spraying had made the landing slippery and 2 because Cpwillow was directly below the toxic spray

in the end my kitchen looked this:

+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.

but more
and without the crosses

Rest In Peace Fuckers

Jinx

2005-08-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dont ask.
I suppose I still owe a bit of karma debt-will continue on the "Pay Until You Are In a Stright Jacket" Plan.

No worries, but just in case me writing about it being good made it go bad...

Not winning a 89 million dollars in the lottery would make me so happy, be careful (loser) I am not sure what I would do if I didnt Not win 89 million dollars.

And now for the one token bitter comment...
Fuck the Cuddly-ness, it fucking sucks.

I really like watching Will & Grace in Spanish but alas I am going to go and help old people put shit in there cars at Wal-Mart, maybe that will help me out raise my Karma Beacon score from 300 (fucked you were even allowed to be a bit happy) to 421 (fucked after you were a bit happy)

Hey has any old time pothead hippies hitcherguide combo freaks (like me) ever notice the 42 and 420 are like the same. Odd, I wonder which came first and if one influenced the other. I say I wonder this, but not enough to look it up, but if I ever decide to return to school to get my Masters Degree in 20th Century Refer References in Modern and Post Modern Literature, I will make that my thesis, till then they mystery shall remain till it can be properly reserached.

I have decided that I want to date I fat, ugly guy who will appreciate me. Screw you pretty boys, actually this appears to be all that we do. The fat ugly guy could solve this...follow this theory kids it should be good...

Upon retention of a bulbous and unattractive male I would not have the immediate desire to fornicate therefore once fornication took place the male would be so appreciative of the fact that I was in fact into him that he would appreciate me and therefore do all the things that I think boys should do.

So boys get your arm candy, I am going for the arm bacon.

Humpty Dumpty & Practical Crack Head Recovery Advice For Everyone

2005-08-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Humpty Dumpty was done once and for all
Out of love one day Humpty did Fall
Yet, all the girl's thoughts
and all the girl's friends
Just keep fucking Humpty up again.

Don't give a crack addict who is trying to recover a spoon and lighter and say "thought you would like to have these around."

The is especially true when the crack addict still has the dealer's number programmed into her cell phone.

Things I Just Don't Understand

2005-07-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

BACK TO SCHOOL MAKES ME SO HORNY?

There is a young AD rep working for a major firm that has just won the chance to do the back to school campaign for a major retailer. He knows he needs something to make an impact, to make the majority of America take notice. Many nights he stays up, idea after idea he scraps, until it comes to him...

back to school
baby going back to school
baby gotta go back to school
baby got back..Holy Shit.

and now as the Target commercial comes on...Baby Got Back and no it does not matter...that is not a song you can change the words too...I see the children in there little backpacks and notebooks and I hear the real words to the song...Which can be construed as a little sick. If that wasn't bad enough I go along the rest of the day singing one line of that song....Oh baby I wanna get with ya and take your picture etc.

REFUSE ASSIMILATION IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE

Today in Burger King I saw 7 of 125,378,000-he was eating lunch with his children. In line while shopping I saw 38 of 125,378,000-she was shopping with a friend. On any given day I see many more of the borg and I know we are all being attacked AND I have to believe that resistance is not in fact futile-here is my attempt.

People I am all for wireless technology. I also am all for hands free cell phone use...key word being USE. So please for the love of my fear of the Borg take your elfin wireless hands free out if you are not one the actual phone-your fucking creeping me out.

CHICKEN FRIES=PEACE
Speaking of Burger King-I am in love with the Chicken Fries.This idea deserves the Nobel Peace prize. Plus how fun is it to say I want Chicken Fries and Fries. Yummies. It is the small things in this world.

GOD WATCHING THE REAL WORLD
God is so funny...The Real World-my sick addiction that I don't care how lame it is-is in a new exciting city this time. Austin, TX. Funny Funny deity. Good One Sir-I will get you back you crazy kidder if I ever make it to heaven.

NUCLEAR FUSION -The Hydrogen Gets So Excited & It Just Can't Fight It.
I really did learn about nuclear fusion last night so for all that want to know I am going to share my knowledge.

To start There is a small ball of frozen Hydrogen(I think) and its is really small and it is encircled by Gold that is windowed and shinny because it is so smooth-I am talking pure super gold not the kind of shit you get at the jewelry store and a laser beam is shot through the windows and then stuff happens and I order another beer and the Hydrogen is heated up and changed to helium and when that happens you have a bunch of energy and I felt like Elizabeth Shue and Val Kilmer were having this conversation..I love that movie The Saint-but we weren't. There is more-fusion is very complex, I wont bore you with the rest but wow-complex.

By The Way...It is a Damn Good Day SUGAR SWEETNESS AHEAD

2005-07-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

I have now been here 1 month and 1 day and that 1 day is a good day!

I really like my new job that I do not blog at while I am work nor will I blog about at all other than to say I like it and I had really good day.

It is nice to feel like you are good at your job, to feel successful, so that makes it a good day.

THEN
I talked to CPW and she scored really well on her test today...a 100, she studied hard and she deserved it, when someone gets what they deserve that makes it a good day.

THEN
When I got home CPW made coffee for me, because she knows I am now on this super coffee kick and I drink it like 26 hours a day, and I didn't even know it until I walked into the kitchen so it was coffee AND a surprise, I thought that I wouldn't like going from living by myself to living with a roommate, but CPW is a great roommate who makes me more considerate by being so considerate, that makes it a good day

THEN
I checked my email and there was a neat reply to a message I had sent that has to do with doing something later this week which made me happy (cryptic I know) that makes it a good day

THEN
Little Bit (Our little sister) sent a text message reminding us that Gilmore Girls comes on tonight, which I always forget until the last 5 minutes of the show, I miss her so it was nice to know she was thinking about me too, that makes it a good day.

THEN
I found out 2 back to back episodes of rapid fire coffee drinking witty madness Gilmore Girls was coming on, that makes it a good day.

THEN
Trey-Kyle called me and made me laugh and feel...well silly in all the fun ways boys can make girls feel silly sometimes, that made it a good day

THEN
I was listening to All American Rejects and dancing in my car when I went to the store to get diet coke and this older guy was laughing at me and he told me I just made his night, anytime I can make a strangers night by just being my goofy romance punk rock steering wheel drummer car dancing self, well that made it a good day

THEN
This guy I met this weekend (bad girl too much wine) that I knew was not going to call me because no guy ever calls me after I have been bad girl with too much wine, called me and we are going to hang out later this week PLUS he told me a funny story about having his microscope taken away but he gets it back tomorrow and nice witty guy calling me AND microscope return, well that made it a good day

(by the way boys I can't really imagine how hard it has to be to pick up the phone and call a girl that you have just met and even more so when the girl is bad girl too much wine and I can see you all pacing and nervous and well it says a great deal about the strong character of your gender when you do it-so know that it is appreciated AND for the ones of you who don't call, maybe one day you will get your character allotment-so chin up, hang in there and keep asking for those numbers or else one day you will get the nerve up and have no one to call*)

So now I am going to end my good day with the only thing really fitting...a good night

*by the way this is my high on coffee and it being a good day logic, therefore I can not fully endorse my support of this comment for longer than 102.1 seconds, which is not just a random number, but instead the dial position of one of my new favorite radio stations-it could of been 94.1 but that station plays that damn 99 red balloons song too damn much, in fact they play a lot of the same songs over and over again so it is not really that one song, because I kind of liked that song when it was rare that I heard it, but now not so much, but no worries if I don't listen to 94.1 for awhile and then switch back I will be happy when it comes on, it could of 93.3 for when I am in a ghetto booty dancing mood in my car or when I have my new "I am not famous like Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan but these sunglasses make me feel like I am" sunglasses on. Which is funny that 93.3 is the 'urban' station here because back in SC it was the 'New Rock' station...but more on radio stations later I am going back to having a good night.**

**see coffee and good day high above

The Ending...

2005-07-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

So that Saturday morning we check out of the hotel and I had pretty much decided that in checking into the hotel in the first place I was also assuring a return check in-this time to a mental hospital.

The first words I screamed at my friends "Why in the hell didnt you guys stop me"

"We knew we couldn't"

Then something strange happened-he was all of a sudden everything I had always wanted him to be-2 weeks before I was leaving. He called and asked if he could hang out, (he called-he showed up!) We had the great conversations, we kissed and held hands- like a little couple-it was amazing.

2 fucking weeks before I was leaving...
after over a fucking year... it was amazing and it moved so fast

The night before I leave we meet up-despite my certainity that this would be the point that the reverted back to what I had come to expect.

He offers to drive me home.
He says he is going to call-and I know he won't-he never does
and
He won't answer when I call because I am not going to call
Not this time, for the first time that is clear.

Standing there, after midnight, and for the first time we are saying goodbye to each other and it wasn't raining and I wasn't crying. It was a beautiful clear night.

He leaned in-hands on my shoulders and for the first time my heart was in the place that my mind had been trying to get it to this past year. It was a beautiful clarity that I had once took for granted until missed for over a year.

On tip toes I lean into him and for the first time as I clearly kissed him-not the Brandyland version but him- for who he was, not for who I thought we could be together or even what I wanted him to be-with all the love that I had in my heart, with all the energy and passion of all the amazing kisses we had shared that were always followed by heartbreak -I kissed him

It was the worst kiss ever and it was all that I had left for him.

Then it was clear.
For the first time I know it was the last time I will love him.

WARNING PICTURES AHEAD

2005-07-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

EDIT BODY SHOT WITH TYBABY! SEE COMMENTS

I have decided to give visual reference...first and foremost..me, of course a shitty picture with CPW... Next me and Tybaby pimping..we are pro's so dont try this at home

Then the shitty shot of me...I think I was singing one of my crazy made up songs....

the guy in the hat..that is Tybaby...Greenshirt is Papa John..and the guy in the black shirt beside me, well that is the cellist.

This is the night before the worst kiss ever.

Played Like A Fiddle and It Felt Good Part One

2005-07-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

So the story...

First and foremost, I didn't call.
This is an important fact because it is the first time ever. He called me, I had the ball in my court, I had the power.

I could of not answered the phone. I could of stood him up, blew him off, I could of...well the point is that I had a choice.

ahh...the power. For the wise that said for me not to chase and for me to wait until he came to me...so right you were.

It felt good to have that second... to see those numbers 512-XXX-XXXX (so my fellow drinkers and dialers don't call him) and know I didn't dial them...to think he wanted me. The person I have wanted the dumb fucker finally wised up wanted me.

a great moment that I rehashed and over thought for over 8 hours with several different loyal friends and I determined I wanted him...

but I had to play it cool.

I had to show up late. I had to look wonderful. I had to be social. I had to be witty. I HAD TO STAY SOBER.

STOP. This...except for the last one...I have always done. Planned. Prep work. 17 plus hours of shopping, newly done nails, everything all done. Perfect and it had never worked like I thought.

So new plan. the unplan plan. The jeans, cute tank top that I already had, cute shoes, screw my less than perfect manicure. Screw talking to other people I don't really care about talking to just so I look desired. I am just going to be me...the normal me not the "oh my god the cellist is going to be here" me.

and it worked.

until the wine
and the tequila shots.

all 8 or so of them.

and the kisses.

And then I woke up in a hotel room.

fuzzy image of me wanting to leave.
slight memory of a hotel lobby.
I remember a credit card and having to think really hard about what my telephone number was.
laughing. lots of laughing. lots and lots of laughing. Passion. Lots of that too.

wait.
I am not in the bed alone.

he is here too. still. we slept together and then we went to sleep together.

he looks over.
we both start laughing again.

and so last summer begins again.
the dumb fucker wants me.

The night of great power tequila kisses that will lead to the worst kiss ever.

By The Way I Read The Coolest Shit in the World On Someone's Blog...you know who you are

Since SC-The Longest Post Ever

2005-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder if anyone would notice you if you were missing?
Keep wondering. Do not attempt to answer this question.

I have been here a little under a month. New apartment. New job. New (Buddah given) patience in regards to traffic. Surviving with a somewhat positive outlook, although thoughts all keep going back to the things I thought I was leaving behind. I suppose someone knew what they were talking about when they said that the things I wanted to leave were in my heart and in my head therefore a simple geographical relocation would not rid me of them. I would like to request that this person go to hell if the second coming happened tonight, mainly for being right, and may his travels be in coach, amen. Glory! I am now humming a Beatles tune…can’t self loathe and hum the Beatles…Penny Lane. Damn. I was just getting started.

On Plastic Surgery.
I am sure that if I ever got plastic surgery I would be one of those people who could not stop. Someone who would just keep fixing and fixing and fixing. Innocent enough I would start with a tummy tuck, some lipo to the inner thighs…then the rapid downward spiral, using up my vacation days for my elbow enhancement procedure and saving my pennies to get pinky toe implant. What would it take for me to be happy with me? Get your beautiful brain here! Make CLEAR ACCURATE & CORRECT choices guaranteed! Payment plans available. What a downward spiral that would be.

On Love
Fuck It.
Thinking of you not thinking of me makes me think of you more. I wish I was not the stupid girl that I am.

The Game
Pick One-Only One. Remember your choice is final and ALL choices will effect the final outcome.
Easy or Hard to Get
Affectionate or Stand off
Ignore or lavish with attention
Make move or wait
Act as if you care or Don’t
And so on and so and so….

Love as a Poker Game. Unless one is John Nash or Rain Man, it is impossible to calculate the complex cause and effect mathematics. Therefore you guess. Ignore the possibility of the product of X when Y and C are present and just take a gamble. Risk one combo for the next not really ever knowing what the outcome could have been had you not kept that card or if you would of kept that card. It has potential to be a good theory, too bad I can’t get the words right. I will work with it

Thoughts On The "Sales Technique"
Who does it work on? I think that I can just leave and interesting message and it will be enough to inspire someone to call me back?

I will tell you who it would work on.
Me. I do things to others that would work on me. If someone I didn’t love jumped on a plane to surprise me and tell me that they loved me, well it would work. I would love them. If someone called and left me an interesting message, I would call them back.

Things didn’t really end how I thought they would of ended…they didn’t end the way I thought they should of ended. Poker games. I will add it to the theory, we are never really sure who is bluffing and we never really can play without doing a bit of bluffing ourselves.

Noise: Focus on Outside Voices
It was quite before and the silence of it scared me. Here there are lots of outside conversations. Music. Mexican. Asian. English. These noises, all blended, always there. Then the sprinklers at odd hours, 3 or 4 in the morning. It kinds of scares me as well. I always think that it is raining and I know that I should know better. It doesn’t rain here.
Again with the comparisons.

Is most of the population comparative by nature? I should be there still and I shouldn’t at the same time. If I was there then I would be trying to win his favor and here I am too far away to do that. Poker Game? Whose favor am I trying to win? See-for the person who, if published will read this and never admit it-I attempted his favor with hesitation and yours outright. Neither was returned in the way I expected that it would be-What does that say for my abilities to predict human behavior?

Maybe this is really what the direction should be. What soap opera have I gotten myself into now? So yeah. I may be bit scared of the voices, but I still spy. I still listen from the window. I still know what is being said, even what has been said in the silence.

Strange-your silence and his say two different things. Do you think I am torn? Do you think I am in love? Do you think I am lonely? What do you really think I think? Ignore the other voice…the voice that is telling you to tell me what you think. Tell me what I think. And then tell me how to stop doing the things I want done, stop thinking the things I want thought. If you can do it, if you can, tell me how. Please.

The People Who You Don’t Realize You Realize.
True friends are taken advantage of. Now that you know it, don’t do it as much or not at all if you can.

Passion for the Fruits
Passion is both underrated and overrated, much like wine.
Like wine? Me too.

There is a certain passion in certaininty and uncertainity. Not knowing if he will be there in the morning is just as exciting as knowing that he will be…it is the in between that we struggle with.

Who are you and what have you done with me?
I have, in the past, studied the complications that would arise if traveling back in time was possible. Granted these studies are limited to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the Back to the Future movies, but I have studied it. The risk of my past self running into my future self and the damage such an occurrence would cause is indescribable. I think past me and present me would have problems with each other. Past me would not believe what I have become and present me would wonder how and why I was ever like I was. Present me would not like past me and past me would not like present me. I could see a fight between the two, although I am not sure who would win…they both are quite feisty.

Quick Update

2005-06-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Got smashed by a hurricane in New Orleans.

Trip is behind a day.

In New Mexico now.

Texas is a big huge long elfin state.

Should be in San Diego in the morning.

Sorry to Martini others we planned to meet up with. Blame it on the hurricane in New Orleans.

NO Armdillos yet...did hit a huge snake in Alabama.

Many fun stories and updates soon.

I love the cellist-story to follow.

Peace Out: CPW and Branshine

Fish Tacos. Trolley To Tjuanna. Nautical Themed Movies Playing On the Sail of A Boat.

2005-06-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some research on San Diego and I have decided this:
San Diego is going to rock.
I cant wait.
17 more days till the Penske Truck leaves.

When is Vegas? The 4th-8th of June? July? August? September? October?

The Cellist has been in town 3 days now and I have tried to call him 0 (zero) times.
I have also not had a single drink.
Concidence-I doubt it

I have nothing today. Nothing at all to write about. Kind of lame.

In a little more than 24 hours CPW will be here.
Yippie Hippie and a slew of other great cheerful catch phrases. Light em' up. Yo

ahh shit.
I am going to have to start packing soon.
I elfin hate to pack.

What dont I have super powers?
Mind control would be cool-

Stood up boy asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him when I got off work tonight.
I just laughed and asked him what his name was again* then said ugh no.

I wanted to explain to him that starving people would eat shit to survive but if you were not hungry you wouldn't even want a steak never the less shit-and I anit so hungry now if you catch my drift. (which I am not sure if he would-he is a bit clueless)

* I knew what it was but this is one of the single most effective self esteem lowering things you can do to someone-beeach dont stand me up

By The Way-The hell with Karma for awhile. I have sucessfully convinced myself in the delussional way that I normal convince myself of things that I have enought good karma coming back around to me that it should cancel out any and all of the new bad karma that I may acquire.

I now feel that I have wasted my quota of cyberspace for the day.

Fuck The Fucking Cellist

2005-06-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

He didn't call.

I knew he wouldn't call.

But I thought maybe he would call.

Then I thought well it is too early

Then I thought well it is still too early

Then I thought it is still kind of early in the night

Then I thought maybe he will call me after he has had a few drinks.

Then I thought maybe he will call me when he is on his way home.

Then it was 6:15AM.

He didnt call.

Fuck The Fucking Cellist*

Fuck Fucking Brandy. Do you see how lame I am? For this one guy I am a complete fool and I share honestly with all of the world how big of a fool I am.

*It is great I can say it, but it would be wonderful if I could mean it.

oh and yeah the guy who stood me up, gave me some lame story Tuesday night and so I did the super cool thing and blew him off.
After I let him buy me a bunch of drinks and took him home with me and had my way with him for almost 5 hours.

what can I say I needed a stress relief.

Stood Up-Shut Up-Give Up-Upside

2005-05-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

Stood Up

I was stood up last night. I have never really been stood up before. I have had someone say they were going to meet me out and never made it, but I have never sat on my couch for 2 hours waiting on someone. Fully dressed, legs shaved, toe nails painted, hair fixed and hungry.

And in my wildest dreams, I have would of never thought that I was getting stood up by someone who was not even good enough for me. I was just using him as a self esteem boost because The Cellist is coming back in to town. BACKFIRED. No wonder I cant "get" the cellist I cant even get loser boy, and wow is he a loser, complete bottom feeder...

Shut Up

The Cellist. The thought of seeing him makes my heart race, my hands shake, and my eyes to start tearing up. Less than 24 hours he will be in my town, drinking at my bars, and the thought of it all puts me right back to the begining of last summer when the whole Cellist drama started, the good part. **mental note to reread He's not that into you tonight.**

Give Up

I can't help it. I want him to want to see me, I want it more than I should, I want it more than he deserves and more than that I want to not want it, because I cant want it and not hope for it, therefore I am going to hope for it and it will not happen and I will be disappointed and it never would of happened if I would of just been able to not want it in the first place.

UPSIDE
Someone else is coming to town this week as well, and I dont have to worry if that person wants to see me, 'cause I know she does AND thinking about her coming to town doesnt make me feel like throwing up, well until I start to think about all the drinks we are going to consume.

Mantra for today: She is my hero, he is a Zero-She is my hero-He is a Zero-Somebody get me a beer-o

I, Brandy, do promise on The Gillmore Girls, Cheap White Wine, South of the Border, and The Piggy Park, that I will not do the following things:

1. I will not show up at any bar that I know or think The Cellist might be at, unless I was invited to that bar by someone in The Cellist entourage, with The Cellist Knowledge and only if I have back up and will not do so if I have had more than 2 drinks.

2. I will not call people in The Cellist entourage to try and get an invite to where they are.

3. I will not cut, color, or change my hair in anyway because he is in town.

4. I will not buy all new clothes just in case he shows up somewhere that I am at (Gas Stations etc)

5. I will not consume large amount of drinks in order for me to say screw these rules.

6. If he does appear somewhere I am at first I will not speak to him unless I am spoken to, If spoken to I will remain classy and unaffected, I will be neither too happy to seem him nor cold toward him. I will treat him as a familar stranger.

7. I will not mention, hint at, or question members of The Cellist's Entourage as to The Cellist.

8. I will not cry for any reason to do with him. I will not allow myself to think any thing other than it is his loss.

With One Little Thing...

2005-05-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like with one little thing your world crumbles and then all of a sudden you have croutons to add to your "life is fucked up" salad?

Like all of a sudden the universe that you use to live in has been taken over by bright pink ants that wear little blue bonnets that recite obscure lines of Russian poetry while milking cats?

Or instead of life handing you lemons, it steals all the lemonade that you have made from the lemons it has been giving you for the past 24 years, spits in it, then dumps it all over you?

Like the one person you trusted not to ever do you wrong, more than you trust family, or a true love, or even God himself, does you wrong.

I have been betrayed.
Life, while still worth living, is going to have to be lived under a shadow for the remainder of my time.

Sure, there will still be good times to be had, laughs to share, smiles to give and receive, but never again will I feel happiness-true, unrestricted, guilty-happiness.

See it was never just about the bacon and the cheese, or even the meat with square corners and while the fresh lettuce and tomato added to it, A ball that does not make a full circle can not bounce.

Dave, if ever a time that your divine intervention was needed, it is now.
For it is a disgrace, a heartbreak, a true and honest betrayal of my love and worship of you, and for what?

30 Cents? 30 Cents and you would destroy all that we have shared, tears of happiness, tears of sadness, you have been with me during every milestone in my life, I could of shared that with Ronald McDonald, but I picked you, you had me at "Hello and Welcome to Wendy's may I take your order please?"

Granted 30 cents could add millions from just my consumption alone, but those habits are changing and don't you have enough? You should know, because you are dead, that you cant take it with you when you leave this world.

99 CENT Jr. Bacon Happiness. Not $1.29 Jr. Bacon Happiness.

IT IS BULLSHIT.

How Could You?

Think Of All The Money I Could Of Saved On Beauty Products

2005-05-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

For Attractive Lips, speak words of kindness.
For Lovely Eyes, seek out the good in people.
For Poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
-Audrey Hepburn.

My goal for the next lifetime and the rest of this one.

CPW: IF YOU READ THIS-CALL ME I AM FREAKING OUT. THE CELLIST IS GOING TO BE BACK A WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY. I HAVE NO MONEY SAVED-YOU ARE GOING TO FREAK OUT WHEN YOU GET HERE-NOTHING I PLANNED ON HAPPENING IS HAPPENING. I AM SORRY. I DO PROMISE THAT I DID GET SERIOUS BUT WELL IT DIDNT WORK OUT. LOVE YOU LOTS AND IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND I UNDERSTAND.

I was tagged so here you go.

Songs on the Computer: Zero. I am not that high tech.

Last CD I bought: When CPW was home, she felt my CD collection (of about 4 CD's) a joke, so she got meThe Counting Crows Greatest Hits, among some others.

Song Playing right now: Safety Dance. I am not sure who actually sings it, but damn that is a fun song.

5 Songs that mean something to me.

1. At Last by Etta James: That songs plays in my head every time I fall in love, it is the perfect love song. She wins. At Last.

2. Under Pressure by Queen: I cant explain it, but I connect to this song on a much deeper level than one should. The background story alone, David Bowie and Freddy Mercury just screwing around in the studio and they come up with this-Insanity Laughs Under Pressure-I have spent most of my life screwing around and I have yet to come up with anything that great.

3. Recovering the Satellites/Anna Begins/Holiday In Spain by the Counting Crows-I am cheating, I cant decide between the three, which means the most and I only have 3 left so there you go. Something about The Counting Crows, they are like my Dave Matthews. Lines I love, from Recover the Satellites"we are only in orbit for a moment of time, everybody's satellite, I wish that you were mine" From Anna Begins "Every time she sneezes I believe it's love and oh lord I am not ready for the sort of thing" and from Holiday in Spain " I got a couple of banana's and a bottle of booze" (ohh)

4. Putting The Damage On: Tori Amos: Songs playing while my heart is being broken always hold a special place. Boy he still looked pretty when he was putting the damage on.

5. Why Georgia: John Mayer: There are so many other songs that mean something, Black by Pearl Jam, Closer To Fine by the Indigo Girls, Fake Plastic Trees by Radio Head, That country song Anymore, I have no idea who sings it, Monosyablic Girl by NoFx, Miss You by Blink 182, but I felt I had to add this one because this was the song that was playing/made me decide to leave Mike. I wasn't living it right, and I there were so many days I just wanted to keep the car in drive.

The Cosby Ideal

2005-05-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not recently been displaced from their career employment and are not currently waiting tables until you move cross country with no job, I would like to share the most interesting thing that I have discovered in the last few weeks that is most likely going to drive me to kill myself or others.

Daytime television.

I am not talking of soaps, because I don't have cable, I get one channel. This may be a hard concept for those of you with super-duper cable or Dish TV, so I will try to help you grasp it...

Lets say you have (on average) 150 channels, take away all the movie channels, all the sports channels, all the reality channels, all the music channels, all the cartoon networks, all the soap networks, all the church stations, all the channels except FOX.

Still a little fuzzy and hard to picture, not worry, you can still understand where I am going with this...

Fox doesn't have Soaps.

They do have the Cosby Show, which I have never really watched until now.

If my life was how I REALLY wanted it to be the following story would be true.

There was an auction last week for a great rare on of a kind blues album for a band that I love, but I had already made a promise to go to my grandchild's school for the day.

WHAT TO DO.

I know, I will call and bid over the phone, because the auction is at nap time.

GREAT IDEA.

Little did I know my husband (in the case of the show it was the wife) took the afternoon off work to go to the auction in my place.

So the auction house employee gets a bit too much into it, raising the bid over my limit and against my friendly protests, and I hang up the phone. Sad because I did not get my record but happy because I know this other bidder paid way too much.

I relay this story to my husband.
Who then plays the record.

I realize he was there.
I wonder how much he paid.
He paid what he had bid last before I hung up the phone. (The very reasonable price)

We are not mad. We don't fight about the other going and not telling, no one is upset that a surprise did not go as planned.

Instead we just dance and laugh to the record and the credits don't roll.

While I know life cant be scripted and work out perfectly and not all problems cant be solved in 30 minutes and love and relationships take work and time and there are ups and downs, but the mundane downs don't sell commercial air time, I cant help but to want the nice picture and if I am lucky I will one day succeed at convincing myself I deserve it as well.

However, is this Cosby Ideal safe?

Can one find happiness waiting for, hoping for, and working toward something that we know is not real but trying to make it real? Is it really safe to shoot for the moon per say,because if you fail you have reached the stars. What if you spend so much time focused on the moon that the stars are not good enough, yet you will never reach the moon and you know it. Is faith the answer, should you have faith that you CAN reach the moon, should you die trying?

I am trying to stop convincing myself that the destinations, the completion of a goal, the achievement of an ideal will make me happy and instead allow the happiness to come in small amounts during the journey to the ideal, allow the means to reward me more and the end just be one more gift and not the ultimate one.

At Midnight...

2005-05-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

I saw the new Star Wars.
With Strangers.
From my new job.
Stranger that smoke things that arent sold in stores.
One of them wore a Darth Vader helment.
Complete with sound effect voice box.
Thankfully, this was not my "date"
Although, my "date" had a helmet he just chickened out.
(The only thing worse than a geek in a helmet is one that is too chicken to wear it after he bought it)
The movie was the best out of the new ones and on par with Empire Strikes Back.
The company was, well, the ticket was free, as was the 3 beers I had to have before I went to a crowed movie theater surrounded by Star Wars fans at midnight.

Chicken Wing Slinging Belly Dancing Fool Am I

2005-05-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

To not be a big huge StarWars fan I am just so excited to the people who are and every time I see George Lucas on TV I want to hug him.

Doesn't he seem huggable to you?

I think that I am going to change my CB handle to Chubbie Won Kenobie in honor of this event.
CPW can be Chap-3PO.

I start my new job tonight, I have gone from being unemployed to underemployed.

I always thought waiting tables and bartending was fun and tonight is 35 cent wing night whoo hoo!

For all concerned the yoga is going better AND I bought a "Belly Dance For Fun, Exericse, and Ppirituality" from Goddess Workouts, done by a chick who calls herself with a straight face Dolphina. This workout was featured on the show Sex in The City and was in a clearance bin for $2.00.

While I am not a professional belly dancer yet, I was rocking some hot moves last night...
with the lights off
and my eyes closed
a bit intoxicated
and the music loud

While I have known that belly dancing was a very sexual dance (created by women and performed only to women) I found last night it is really a lot like the sex I have been having lately.

Hot.
Exotic
Glistening Perspiration.
Body moving in unusual slinky positions
and the most important similarity

I WAS DOING IT ALONE

B&B MUSIC FACTORY

2005-05-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'VE GOT THE POWER

(to write in your blog)

I doubt I ever will though.

I'm more of a blog spectator.

Thanks.

Let Us All Hurry Up & Change The World

2005-05-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Are you there yet?

Somewhere in between that place when you were younger and you believed that you could make the world a perfect place in some form (you know find the cure for cancer, save the environment, end racism and sexism, all of the above) and realizing your own small role in the world and the unlikelihood that you will have an impact but refusing to accept it.

I thought a great deal last night about the Tornado Awareness Week, which I am pretty sure is not this week and there were not any warnings in the area, but I was hopped up on diet coke and general insomnia, I assure you it is not the strangest things I have ever thought of.

We always made these posters, on the old poster board, with magic markers or crayons or a combination of the two.

(Mine were always combos, not because I thought it gave my piece of art more texture and interest, but there were 3 children in the house and my Mom could never keep complete boxes of crayons and markers around for longer than a week, mainly because her genius kids never could but things back where they belong, a trait I carry with me to this very day. I think if I moved the dresser in my old bedroom I could find some nonpolitically correct named crayons and maybe a few markers that aren't nontoxic)

So the poster contests. Almost everyone entered and nearly the same people won every year. Looking back, I now know that my creativity moves too fast for art, at least poster board art. My people were crooked, the landscape slanted, the ground, the sky, the trees, and the sun, all looking like a line, because I never could quite master drawing in 3-D. I rushed through, I never took my time to think out my design, and there was always something odd, like a beach ball, that was at one point going to be a raccoon or another person, but I messed up and that was the only way to correct it, because I had already messed up the back because I drew the people to small (3 kids=only 1 piece of poster board each)

So once the posters were all made, by just about every student, in every class, in every grade, they hung these posters, the little Monet's that they were, in the hall of the school, the school that held every student, in every class, in every grade.

I would like to pretend that the next thought was original processed when I was actually entering these poster contests, however it was not, it was thought last night, around 4AM after Fox had already played the national anthem:

If we all did the Tornado safety posters, then each of us had a pretty good grasp of Tornado safety, so wasn't it a bit useless for us to take all the safety propaganda and hang it in the hall of the damn school we all attended?

Did Mother Teresa have a huge impact on the world by sharing her wisdom with only those in her sisterhood?

While I realize now that the general theory and purpose of the Poster Contents lies less in the school's responsibility to prepare the general population for natural disasters and more in different educational benefits to students (honestly many times I have had to turn to figurative fucked up raccoon into a beautiful, slightly oversized and out of place 2D beachball) I think in keeping with the American way and the national anthem still ringing in my head, I would like to blame the educational system on my lack of ability to save the world, despite my desire to do so.

Had I not of wasted so much heart and artistic talent on the posters, maybe I could cure cancer, AIDS, PMA, save the planet, end racism and sexism, and make everyone happy.

NOTE TO ALL WHOM MAY BE INTERESTED
PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THE COMMENTS TO THE LAST POST, CPW HAS POSTED THE DIRECTIONS THAT WE WILL BE TAKING TO CA. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW LIVES IN AREAS THAT WILL BE CLOSE TO OUR COURSE AND THEY ARE INTERESTED IN MOBILE BRANDYLAND INTERACTION PLEASE LET US KNOW.

YOU ARE SCARED THAT WE ARE REALLY COUPLE OF 13 YEAR OLDS THAT ARE GOING TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE IN STOLEN CAR AND ARE JUST LOOKING FOR FOLKS TO BEAT RAPE AND OR KILL THEN PLEASE JUST RECOMMEND BARS IN THE AREAS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T REALLY GIVE THAT BIG OF A DAMN ABOUT MEETING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

With A Bit Of Perspective...And No Sprouts

2005-05-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

Is the glass half empty of a great white wine from a great vineyard in France that was from a great vintage, maybe an 86 or 84?
or
Is the glass half full of a cheap, but equally intoxicating, white wine from an unknown California vineyard with a vintage of 05?

And is one really better than the other?

A Sunroof, a CD, a 5 speed on an empty highway at 2:00AM and the ability to put things into a different light.
and just when I thought I couldn't feel any better this little nugget of knowledge came in from CPW:

Don't worry if you hit an armadillo, that is why we got the Insurance on the truck
AND
If you hit an armadillo, don't worry about getting rabies, they can't get rabies. Hell-you can even pet an armadillo if you want, they will bite, but they are quite slow, so you should be able to move out of the way...

Just a little bit of perspective.

On a different note:
Yoga is the exercise of MENSA members.
Who would of thought breathing could be so hard and the little limber bitches make it look so easy.
This is like trying to Waltz with your mouth.

THEN
You have to do this strange breathing and MOVE and the same time and breath a certain way while doing a certain thing and you only inhale while you do one thing and you don't exhale until you do the next thing and you have to inhale wide...This was very complicated for me because I am use to sucking in the Jr Bacon Belly and using the exhale as a relief, like when no one is looking or when I sit down and the belly is hidden by the shadow of the bar, the Yoga breathing is the exact opposite....This is suppose to be relaxing?
All this thinking about breathing and moving and not exhaling and doing a wide inhale (natural for me is wide, how is making me wider suppose to be good and with all the mirrors?) and push your shoulders to your ears and then drop your shoulders and keep the natural curve of your spine, how do you know if your stomach muscles are contracted and this lady has a pony tail in a braid that is long enough to make Rapunsel jealous and I wonder if she eats sprouts, I wonder if she is going to tell me to eat sprouts, I don't like sprouts.

Shit
I think I have my breathing backwards
How is she doing this and talking?
I feel a bit dizzy.

I can see the phone call now

Hey
Hey
What are you doing?
I am practicing my breathing.
What?
I am practicing my breathing.
You are dumbass.
I need to train myself to breath backwards and make my bellybutton touch my spine.
What.
Breathing and my bellybutton and I need to learn so I can relax.
You are a dumbass

Yes. Yes I am.

I am off to make my core muscles strong or have to force be with me or something.

Sprouts Out.

If I Could Sleep It Would Be With A Night Light

2005-05-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

Damn It I am Scared.

While I am sure it is hard to believe at one point in time I had my life figured out. I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get it, I was willing to work for it.

I had this great map, a compass I could read and damn it I was going places.

Now I am in a figurative Mexico & I was headed to France. I am not sure how I got here, I am not sure if I can go back, I am not sure if I still want to be there, I am pretty sure I don't want to be here.

It is not just location, I wonder if it was my cockiness, the envy of all my friends because I had this path, this course plotted and I didn't stray that caused me to stray and get so lost. Was it because they were all still here and I could back out because I was committed but once they were off on there own-granted less researched-paths, that I was able to step a little bit off my path?

I am scared about moving to San Diego.
I am scared about getting fat.
I am scared about The Cellist coming back to SC in like 2 weeks.
I am scared I will not find a job.
I am scared CPW will change her mind and not want me to move to San Diego.
I am scared that I will hit an armadillo with the Penske Truck.
I am scared the armadillo will have rabies and bit me and I will die, in Texas, without having there BBQ again.
I am scared that if I ever have Texas BBQ again it will not as good as it was the first time I had it.
I am scared I will never ever having really good meaningful sex again ever in my life.
I am scared that I might be insane.
I am scared that I am 24 years old and I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
I am scared that I will never finish my book.
I am scared that when I do no one but CPW will think it is good.
I am scared someone will think it is good but miss the deeper meaning of it and make a stupid lifetime movie out of it and I will be rich and successful but unhappy because I failed to write the next shitty American classic.
I am scared that when I left Michael I ruined him.
I am scared that when I left Michael he ruined me.
I am scared that I have figured people out to such a degree that it has become a game to manipulate them into having feelings for me, just so I can tell them I don't have feelings for them.
I am scared that my brain is messed up due to all the diet coke I drink because it happened to the rats.

I have learned that staying in one place and waiting on someone to rescue you doesn't work...

I need a new compass and an idea of a direction that I want to go in this wandering aimlessly is a bit old.

Your Life Is But A Tear In An Ocean Compared To Eternity

2005-05-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

I attended a funeral today for a person I had never met, and at the end of the service I realized this was a lovely man with strong morals and a decent heart. A man who had worked hard all of his life, was a wonderful father, brother, husband, grandfather, and friend.

I felt quite disappointed that the point in time that fate decided to bring this man and myself together was at his funeral service.

No. I am no so bored with out a job that I have begun to attend the funeral services of complete strangers, instead this man was the father of a dear friend of mine.

Funeral are a funny thing.
Ok not funny but odd.

I am never able to attend on without thinking about what I want. What I want as far as my service, but more so, I think about what I want said about me, what I want remembered about my life and the person I am.

Without a doubt I can say that my fear of no one attending my funeral is greater than my fear of actually dying...
Upon reflection, it is not about being liked or being popular, I can do mean things and still have friends, but being remembered well by people who cared and who knew I cared for them.

Furthermore, I wish for the strength to live everyday as my last.
Not so much in the "take risks and stop to smell the roses" sense, but in the "what if this is the last time this person, be it a loved one, a friend, or the person at the drive thru, is around me in the world of the living" sense.

What would they say?

The minister, who was Southern Baptist, said that our time on earth can only be compared to a tear drop in the ocean compared to eternity.

This may be so, but I hope that my contribution to the ocean, or the world as it may be, make a positive impression on those in it and I dream that such contribution will not only be positive but lasting as well.

What Do You Call The stuff In The Middle Of A Twinkie

2005-05-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

Cream?
Frosting?
White Stuff?

It is good. My God it is good.

Just eat it. Stop thinking about the Twinkie and eat it.

Yummy.

disclaimer
No Twinkies-real or imagined-were harmed in the creation of this post.

Warning Be Specific When You Pray

2005-05-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

It may be remembered from the old site that got me fired that I had not had sex so far this year. At the time of the post it was 88 days.

I am happy to say I got some.

Yup.

It sucked ass.
(and not ass sucking in the good way for you freaks out there)

So I wanted to meet a nice guy and I did.

Was so nice in fact I forgave the American Pie style sex that we had and even had the (ha) patience to try again, and again and again and again and even again a few more times the next night.

ok I will be honest the next night was kind of like a game of hide and go seek where I tried to see how quickly I could umm find him, yeah bad metaphor and not a very nice thing to do, but I wanted to make sure I still had it, and well I do.

This guy was so nice, he wrote really really really bad poetry, so bad it was cute and made me want to hang one of his terrible little poems on my fridge with a smiley face on it...

Shakespeare his was not.

Sample:
I use to think of you in school
I use to think you were so cool

This was the kind of guy I liked. Easy going. Liked the fact I was a bit weird but did not try to out weird me. If I said jump he said "would you like me to get you a drink first"

Surprise he DOES NOT play any musical instrument.

He has a HISTORY degree (I like 'em nerdy) and is an Officer for the US Marines. (oh yeah did you know they say hoo rah not hoop la? yeah my mistake)

(Fuck your support the troops stickers I put the erotic in Patriotic or Paterotic)
So am I in love?

No, but I could of been so that is a good sign.

Why am I not in love?
Well he is an Officer for the Marines (and it was hot calling him Sir and Mr. Officer Sir)
and the only thing military in this area are the confederate battle reenactments (yes that is plural)

Yup I meet him while I was in Jacksonville NC for the weekend.
6 hours from here.

Yup he is going to Japan in a few weeks and I am going to SD.

It was fun while it lasted Mr. Bad Poetry Writing Nice American Pie Officer Sir.

Thanks for Giving Me Hope.

Next Show is At 7PM No Camera's Allowed

2005-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have composed a song....

A One
A Two
A One Two Three Four

I need to find a fucking job la la la
I need to find motiviation to find a fucking job la la la la
Maybe I should just go a flip a burger (that be cute)
Maybe I should be a prositute

I have no clue what I want to do La la
Maybe I should paint myself blue
and be a smurf
oh yeah smurf baby
making the big blue bucks
living in a mushroom
singing all day
getting to play
stealin big sips from gargamales (spelling?) steamin cup of sinful beverage
forgive me papa smurf for I have sinned
Opps I did it again
la la la

(This is were Missy Elliot comes in a raps for me...)

I could be a firefighter
I could be a Flight Attendent
I could be a Clown
I could be Princess
oh prince henry wont ya take off that Nazi uniform and marry me.
I make a real pretty bride

(Missy is done except for a few hollar back she just screams at random...back to me)

I could be anything A-N-YThing..ing ing ing
I could be nothing Nothing ing ing whoa oh pooh ahh ing
I could be hungry Hungry like a hippo whoah ohahhh
I am hungry (male voice ahh yeah baby HUNGRY for me I am hungry for you)
No No No hungry for the happiness that comes with 2 pieces of bacon
baaaaccccooon ohhh yeahh
I can't find a job on an empty belly
oh no no no no no
must go and find and find and find and find
da happiness ohh yes sir

(and the crowd goes wild)

Thank You.
I'd like to thank my Mom and God, and Dave Thomas, and Butterflies, and The Hippie in the bathtub and the Drug Cartel

Peace Out

B's Hierarchy of The Morning After

2005-05-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

Over the past 3 weeks I have spent a good bit of time intoxicated.

A really good bit of time drunk is more accurate.
All right, I have not really been sober in the last 3 weeks.

However, CPW is on a plane and on her way back to Japan for 6 weeks, then she shall return, I will most likely return to my drunken state and then we are going to drive a Penske Truck across the country.

I did do some thinking while I was a drinking. Most of it was this:

Is it not time for a shot?
What shot did we just take?
What shot should we take next?
Is it not time for a shot?
What shot did we just take?
What shot should we take next?
Is it not time for a shot?
What shot did we just take...opps wait, I am sipping on some strange beverage in a shot glass and now my wine glass is empty....
It is not time for another shot and a glass of wine?

Right. Real Genuis Stuff. I did however, while attempting to carring on a conversation about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, come up with my own Hierarchy and I am going to share:

At the very bottom we have phisological needs, better known as shelter, food, air, water.
Example:

Where in the hell am I? Is this my home? I need to be at my home...
I need water, my tounge is stuck to the top of my mouth...
I need bread, a cracker, a communion wafer, ANYTHING...
What in the hell is it so elfin hot in here, I need air....

Once all of these needs are satisfied you can move to the next level

Safety
Wonder if I can move into a vertical position with out puking...
Wonder if this stranger in the bed beside me is a serial killer...
Wonder if that condom wrapper is ours...

Once you are feeling safe you can move forward to satisfy your self esteem needs...

My God where did all this mascara on my face come from? Was he wearing mascara too?
I smell like a tequilla flavored ciggy being smoke in a corn chip factory, I need to shower...
Where is my bra? Did I leave my bra at the bar? Did I leave my bra in the car? Did I leave it in the rain? Did I leave it because it had a stain?

Moving quickly on to Love:

I would love for the stanger to leave...
I would love to just die...
I would love a Diet Coke and a Real World Marathon...
I would love for the sun to go away...
I would love a Junior Bacon Cheese Burger to appear in my hand by magic..

These will most not be met, ever, but you must love before you can take the phone call that will move you into
SELF ACTUALIZATION

...I did what?
...I said that to who?
...Why was I on top of the bar in the first place?
...She hit me with what?
...Was the officer nice?
...So no one is pressing charges?
...How did we end up at a berry farm in North East Georgia?
...So that is berry juice and not blood on my shirt?
...What was his name again?
...I can't believe I was ACTUALLY that drunk...

Oh to be young, jobless (but still getting paid), and single.

Still playing around with ideas for the tittle of my new little site...

And So It Begins...Again

2005-04-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

Most have noticed the similar nature of the words TRAMA and DRAMA.
Recent events in my life have put me into the position to look at these two things as being the same.

For all who want to know:

Yes. I was asked to resign from my position at my company because of my blog. In fact, I was told to remove the blog. I sort of did and sort of didn't. I changed the address first, but noticed that you could still get to it, so I deleted it from my dashboard, the one with the changed address. Sadly (wink wink) the other one drunkdialer.blogspot.com is still there, yet I can not add (or take away anthing). I have even had to send copies of my request to blogspot customer support to ask the to remove the site. *they have yet to respond. This makes me uneasy because the "oh no one knows this is me" is gone from that site. But I have this little thought to make it ok: It is true. It is how I felt. It is me or was me on that day at that moment for that reason. Good, bad, threating, upset, hungry, drunk, in love, out of love, it was me.

and I like me.

Yes. I was a bit upset about it because it seem that once again my big, creative, witty mouth has gotten me into trouble again.

Yes. I know I was considering leaving anyways, but I wanted a plan in place.

No. I do not regret calling Savannah Thompson of Keowee Key Realty in Salem SC a monkey hair slut, nor do regret stating that she was cheating on her husband with the Property Manager, Brian Greer, who is engaged and that she gave bad head. I also refuse to apologize for calling my assistant, Becky Patton, an ASSistant and implying that she was the single dumbest person in the world. To keep this shortk, I do not regret anything I said. I also do not regret listing the top reason why I WOULD NOT own a gun, which involved people that I worked with, then suggesting that I buy a water gun to shoot them with like cats.

Yes. I did try to say it was all fiction based.
No. That did not work.
No. The company did not have a computer policy in place.
Yes. I know I have a very good case against them for wrongful termination.
No. It will not work. SC is a right to work state. Either party can end the employment agreement at anytime for anyreason, as long as it is not illegal. (this is not illegal)

Yes. I received a good bit of severance.

No. I have not idea (other than continue getting drunk with CPW and making out with 19 year old boys in the bathroom of a strangers house) what I am going to do next.

Yes. I am moving to San Diego.

Yes. I am ok.

Yes. I did eat quite a bit of Wendy's and Drunk in the Box in the days just after my resignation.

oh and yeah, I miss you all a bunch.